Another Theory Bites the Dust, Goddammit

by Erin on December 30, 2005

A bit of backstory: I am fairly nondescript-looking. Really. I mean, sure, my glasses are pink (or green or blue, or yellow) and I wear the kinds of prints that insensitive pranksters like to hide in the closets of blind people, but physically, I am not all that striking. Which means that folks often say that they know someone who LOOKS JUST LIKE ME. Really! Their cousin's friend, a girl they went to high school with, someone they knew vaguely at their first job … who could be my twin.

So my jokey answer, of course, is "Oh, yes, that must be my good twin." (Evil twin references ALWAYS equal comedy.)

But today, searching on the phrase "the most gorgeous dress ever", I found her. My spiritual twin: she writes a fashion diary/blog. However, she's my EVIL twin. How do I know she's evil? Because THIS is what what she thought was "the most gorgeous dress ever":


the horror!
For once, I'm not going to apologize for how small the pic is. Any bigger and you'd be looking at permanent damage to your optic nerve. Maybe even hallucinations.

Oh yes, this is one of those smocky "dresses" — I use the word "dress" for this only because she does — that people wear belted, over jeans, like so:


the horror!
She describes this as "pretty without being too heavy, comfortable without being too casual, and incredibly workable – can be worn alone as a dress or skirt, with jeans, belted, you name it". (My name for it would be "anathema," frankly.) Question: this is a strapless smocked cotton housedress–how is it not too casual? Oh, it must be because (you can't tell from the pic) it's SEQUINED. So you have to hand-wash it.

And she says the sizing is good, because the S/M fits her perfectly. I'm sorry. S/M is not a SIZE. S/M is a punt. S/M says "Oh, I'm sorry, I only design in two sizes, one for me, and one for my one friend (whom we call "plus-size" because she wears a size 10). She wears the M/L."

One other thing: it was $120. Yes, that's right. $120. C'mon, people! Paying $120 for this makes (choose one): the baby Jesus cry; America weak and our enemies strong; no friggin' sense.

Of course, she posted about this last January, so perhaps she's had a come-to-Jesus moment and is now featuring vintage (or at least actual dresses) on her site, right? Right?

Wrong.

the horror!
(Do not adjust your set: the picture was like this when I got it.)

Ah well. It was fun being the evil twin while it lasted. I suppose that now that I'm the good twin I should bone up on past eps of The Patty Duke Show, which I only have to think of to be horribly earwormed with the theme song ("They're cousins, identical cousins …"). Goddammit, again.

Click on any of the images above to visit the Style Diary site. Just remember that while I may not agree with what you choose to wear (and might mock you), I will defend to the death your right to wear it and post fuzzy pictures of it on the internet.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

kitschkittie December 30, 2005 at 11:30 am

what is that dangling from her mouth?!:-O Is she an “Ozzy” wanna be?It looks like some kind of squirrelly rat,chinchilla thing.For this poor lost soul, we must pray she enters into the light.Amen

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meara December 30, 2005 at 12:47 pm

Dunno about evil twins, but I did hear someone who seemed very cromulent on my radio this morning.

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jilli December 30, 2005 at 1:14 pm

Oh … dear. She seems to be the sort of person I look at and think “Well, she obviously chose to dress that way …”, while the exact same thing goes through her head while staring pop-eyed at me.The dress is hideous. The white waistcoat/black top/ horrible frayed denim skirt thing in the other photo is WORSE.

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Gidget Bananas December 30, 2005 at 1:16 pm

That dress thing on top, it looks like it was in a laundry accident involving and unfortunate collision between Rit dye and bleach!Here’s a rule to live by: never wear anything that looks like it was whipped up by Project Runway contestants during a three-hour challenge.aka Madelene

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j. December 30, 2005 at 3:52 pm

If she’s your twin, then I can at least tell you that the rest of your family is hanging out in knitting blog-land. There’s lots of people out there with cameras sprouting from their faces, too.

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Rose December 30, 2005 at 4:28 pm

You didn’t put in my favorite quote from the pink-dress entry: “After a hunt to find this item, I finally purchased the piece. Alas, it’s mine.”Alas, indeed!

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Ellen December 30, 2005 at 5:03 pm

Oy. My mother would say, “Her taste is in her mouth.”

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You Don't Know Me December 31, 2005 at 4:50 pm

BTW, I get that, too. They say “Do you have a sister?” To which I reply, “Yes.” (Long Pause) “But she doesn’t live here!” We should just carry pictures of each other around to prove to people just who it is we look like.

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Anonymous January 2, 2006 at 10:08 pm

Oh LOVED this one!!! Thank you ever so much for making me laugh!!

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Sam and Iso January 7, 2006 at 4:54 am

How can someone who wears cowboy boots, denim mini-skirts and smock dresses feel qualified to write a fashion blog?!

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