Okay, just ONE more …

by Erin on March 16, 2009

Just one more, from Sandritocat:


Simplicity 1125

THE BEACH: A PLAY IN ONE ACT

Angela: Where is Helen? I keep thinking about Helen.

Francine: It always unnerves people at the beach if you turn around and stare inland, instead of out at the water. Try it sometime.

Margaret: I shall bestride the narrow earth like a Colossus! Oh, wait. I AM a Colossus. I shall bestride the narrow earth like me!

Doris: The stars! The stars in my pocket like grains of sand! Sand in my pocket like stars! Who eats paper? I ate some paper. My sunglasses are torpid. Also, pickles! Shiny, shiny pickles!

Helen (from offstage): No one even noticed that I left.

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Melissa March 16, 2009 at 8:57 am

OK, the stories HAVE to be a regular feature. At least one a week.This one made me think of the Kids in the Hall sketch with, “I can;t stop thinking about Tony. Where he is, who he’s with, if he’s thinking of me, and if he’ll ever return to me.”

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Julia March 16, 2009 at 9:24 am

Oh dear, I’m laughing so hard…

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nwhepcat March 16, 2009 at 9:45 am

I just sprayed orange juice on my monitor, thanks to Doris.Another vote here for regularity!

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Rachelle March 16, 2009 at 9:45 am

If there were an award for The Best Use Of The Word Torpid On The Internet, Ever, you would win it, hands down.

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Frannie March 16, 2009 at 10:05 am

Poor nwhepcat, searching for a wet wipe!Now we need the back story about the pattern artists, toiling away at drafting tables in grim little offices at Simplicity and Vogue, cranking out these weird bits of cover “art.” Perhaps they intentionally created weird proportions and “women” with Adam’s apples as retribution for substandard working conditions?

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paisleyapron March 16, 2009 at 10:38 am

Oh, Erin, do you have to make this the last one? These have been terrific. One more, puh-leese?

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fidelio March 16, 2009 at 11:23 am

It’s like Waiting for Godot with pattern envelope drawings.I’m with Melissa. Your whuffie will be muchly increased if this becomes a weekly feature, schedule permitting.

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lianne March 16, 2009 at 11:24 am

That was by far the best!

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What-I-Found March 16, 2009 at 11:46 am

Are they victims of an ergot in the wheat fields sort of thing? Hallucinations on the sea air? So much mystery!

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Rachel March 16, 2009 at 12:25 pm

This whole set of stories is delightful–did you know you were saving the surrealist episode for last? Master stroke! I hadn’t looked at the site in a long time and I’m so very happy I happened in!

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Angela Tompkins March 16, 2009 at 12:27 pm

More things in this world should be torpid.

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Anonymous March 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm

“Where is that stupid tour bus? How long must we wait? Oh, now look, she’s wandering off again, someone go get her. And for Heaven’s sake don’t let her take any more clothes off. We’ll never get to the luau at this rate. Where is that bus!?”

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fyrechika March 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm

Haha! I love this one! Especially Francine staring inland! This should be a once-a-week feature!

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ZombieLace March 16, 2009 at 2:02 pm

This was shortly after the group got into Enrique’s stash of “shitake” mushrooms….

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Cookie March 16, 2009 at 2:26 pm

I am fascinated by who these artists might have been. WHO WERE THEY?? Simplicity has a rather crude, amateur-looking period, during which an illustrator must have had a nervous breakdown and their assistant filled in. But were the drawings by the ailing artist, or the assistant? http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2listing_id=19447033My favorites, aesthetically, are the 1960s Vogue drawings. They have a breezy quality and the women all look fabulous, with a sort of unstudied, Oh-I-Look-This-Way-All-The-Time-Doesnt-Everyone? chic. Notice this one has serious fauxlero potential, if the collar and most-front pieces of the bodice were made in material to contrast with the rest. http://vintagepatterns.wikia.com/wiki/Vogue_9611

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Lady Be Good March 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Ah, its funny cause its true! My sunglasses are torpid!I have enjoyed these immensely. I do hope to see more soon and often. I shared them with my boyfriend, and he compliments your writing. Now we are both eagerly awaiting your novel.

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cher March 16, 2009 at 9:50 pm

Oh my, I remember these patterns – Did you think there ever was a day when a size 32 bust wore a size 14??????????????? So much for new sizing..

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Jen March 16, 2009 at 10:16 pm

Since I totally identify with ‘blue skirt’ in a big way, can I share my take on the 4 girls?:hat girl: did you just see that? Jeff fell into the bay, this means they aren’t going to get to the dock for ages.blue skirt: awww, not again! I’m getting really tired of this whole thing…blue blouse: do you think we should call the kids and tell them will be late getting home?red short girl: yeah, let’s leave right now and take my station wagon back. the four of them can cram their gear and all into Dave’s VW!

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brocadegoddess March 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm

You know, I saw this one on Sandritocat’s site just earlier today and thought how great it would be if you made up a story for it – and you did!!!I also vote for this becoming a regular feature – please please please please please

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Anonymous March 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm

PLEASE don’t make this the last one! This just has to become a regular feature!

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The WalMart Vegan March 17, 2009 at 8:26 am

Too cute!Just wanted to let you know that McCalls is having an online sale on patterns. A lot of them are $4.99 each. Not vintage, but one day they’ll be. :-)

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The WalMart Vegan March 17, 2009 at 8:26 am

Too cute!Just wanted to let you know that McCalls is having an online sale on patterns. A lot of them are $4.99 each. Not vintage, but one day they’ll be. :-)

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Rebecca March 17, 2009 at 9:53 am

I agree: WHO are the artists? There’s a great labor history/art history/design history Phd to be written on this subject.

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San Antonio sue March 17, 2009 at 11:48 am

Erin, check out McCall’s Crafts #715 on Lanetz Living. Why are these precious dolls being punished?

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Cookie March 17, 2009 at 12:11 pm

http://www.lanetzliving.net/inc/sdetail/90462 Oh dear…I think they’re “practice children” parents can hone their discipline skills on? You can send them to the corner without hurting your real children’s feelings.

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Kelly March 17, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Please keep going! I love your pattern stories!! :-)

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becky f. March 17, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Two things–First, I love your stories for these patterns, as well as all of the comments. They are supremely entertaining. :-)Second, you’re coming to my school on Monday! I just got the announcement today, and I am so excited for your talk. (I will definitely spread the word to my word-minded friends, too!)

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San Antonio Sue March 17, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Cookie, you can also send the practice children to time out to work on getting over your guilt at being a bad parent.

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Theresa March 17, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Oh GOD! Cookie, I knew someone who actually had those dolls! I wish there were practice chidlren, then I could have made my mistakes with them but not my own…who somehow turned out fine despite my ineptitude.

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Theresa March 17, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Oh GOD! Cookie, I knew someone who actually had those dolls! I wish there were practice chidlren, then I could have made my mistakes with them but not my own…who somehow turned out fine despite my ineptitude.

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Cookie March 17, 2009 at 7:35 pm

Sue: Glad you brought our attention to the “Practice Children Dolls”! We can make them for expecting parents we know. However did you stumble upon this…interesting item?Theresa: Oh GOD! Cookie, I knew someone who actually had those dolls! WHY? Why would someone make these dolls?? Did they want some little figures around who would cower before them? I don’t understand! (PS: I’m sure you were a great mother…maybe because you didn’t need stuffed supplicants dotted about your home.)

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Johanna March 17, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Johanna March 17, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Oops but it’s not a dress- sorry!

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San Antonio Sue March 18, 2009 at 7:27 am

Johanna, the gal in the plaid pants looks like Milly in the old Dick Van Dyke show. It must have been intimidating to live next door to gorgeous MTM… No wonder she has that “eating pickles” look on her face!

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Marilyn March 18, 2009 at 10:56 am

This is SO funny!! I am a dressmaker since forever and often wondered what the dresses think about where they are going. To Melissa, I adored the “Kids in the Hall” sketch you mentioned. So much I named my car Tony! Thanks for this uplifting blog.

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theresa March 18, 2009 at 12:47 pm

thanks cookie!

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Dragonfly March 20, 2009 at 9:06 am

*snort* Also, nice Delaney reference. Love that book.

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Viaje March 31, 2009 at 6:06 pm

I was laughing so hard reading this I cried – this is great. Just stumbled onto your blog. Will be back for sure!CheersJD

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