ANNOUNCER: Today’s elbow-wrestling contestants are Katrina Williston and Melody Gunnersdottir, both of Pleasant Prairie, Minnesota.
COLOR COMMENTATOR: So a real home-town grudge match, huh, Tom?
ANNOUNCER: Well, Bob, Pleasant Prairie has been a hotbed of elbow-wrestling since a spate of unfortunate hand amputations from thresher malfunctions back in the Great Depression. But it’s only been in the last five-ten years that women’s elbow-wrestling has been drawing such a high caliber of athletes. Melody was All-American in elbow team shuffleboard in high school, before switching to elbow-wrestling as a college freshman.
COLOR COMMENTATOR: And Katrina’s background is interesting as well, isn’t it, Tom? She’s the foreman — excuse me, foreWOMAN (laughs) — at the local poultry processing plant, is she not?
ANNOUNCER: Evidently gutting thousands of chickens an hour is a fantastic training regimen. She was the cleanup wrestler on her plant’s intramural elbow-wrestling team and her manager encouraged her to go pro.
COLOR COMMENTATOR: In fact Prairie Chicken Processors is her #1 sponsor. She has a great chicken recipe blog, viewers should check it out at KatrinaKlucks.com!
ANNOUNCER: And we’re starting the match. Melody is really taking advantage of choosing the Upper position in the coin flip. Look at that leverage!
COLOR COMMENTATOR: But these women are such showing such true sportsmanship — sorry, sportsWOMANship (laughs). Gravity may be a bitch, but these wrestlers are pure ladies.
ANNOUNCER: You said it, Bob.
[Pattern available here.]
Claudine: Move it a little more … a little more to the left.
Claudette: My left, or your left?
Claudine: Um, his left? Oh wait, he’s left. Smoke break.
Claudette: Goddamn illustrators. Bunch of nicotine fiends.
Claudine: Might as well put it down before you get dizzy from the rubber cement fumes.
[Pattern is here if you want it. Thanks to Tammy O. for the suggestion!]
“Yes, we do have one of the new robotic mannequins in stock, but I’m afraid it’s a refurbished version. It looks lovely, but thinks it is Grace Kelly. But as long as you call it ‘Your Serene Highness’, you should be fine … oh, and don’t make any sudden movements, or it will stab you with a nail file. … Hello? Hello?”
(Today’s pattern from MOMSPatterns.)
As Reginald swept her into the turn, face contorted in a rictus of merriment, he hissed a warning in her ear. “Keep dancing! For God’s sake, keep dancing! If they realize we’re released from their bizarre mind control, they’ll rend us limb from limb!”
Thanks to Josie Thames who suggested this pattern!
It was at that painful instant that the two women realized that they were trapped, trapped together in a pattern illustration for all eternity.
Pattern available from Gray Dog Vintage, here.
Pink: There! On the horizon! Could it be … my long-lost love? Or maybe … an ice-cream truck?
Polka Dot: Her hat looks delicious. Maybe I can make some bet I can lose? “If that isn’t an ice-cream truck coming, I’ll eat your hat?” Worth a shot.
Inexplicably Tiny Person: Now! While my guards are distracted, I’ll activate the teleport! Soon I will beam up, away from this place of monstrous hungry women!
Pattern from CloesCloset on Etsy.
Yes, it is a nice day. Isn’t it?
Yes, I am glad that I came out to the club with you and “the boys”.
Yes, it’s good to get out of the office and do a little informal business.
Yes, I’m a good sport not to be offended that they wouldn’t let me golf. Or wear trousers. Or drive the golf cart. Or sit in the dining room. Or park my car in the parking lot. Or come in the front door.
Yes, Danny’s a riot. Absolutely a scream. That joke about women lawyers? That must always have them in stitches at his firm.
Yes, I do make a great cup of coffee. That *is* one of my many excellent work qualifications, in addition to being editor of the law review and my Supreme Court clerkship.
Yes, I am imagining you all dying of massive coronaries as you grunt and smoke and drink and make unnecessary comments about my ass. (Yes, I can hear you.)
No, I didn’t say that last thing out loud.
Today’s pattern is from MOMSPatterns … and Jen is having a sale! She has more than 400 clearance patterns under $5, and they’re 75% off THAT with the code ‘bigsale’ until April 5. And she’s throwing in 15% off all OTHER patterns for the month of April just for Dress A Day readers (no foolin’!). Use the code ‘sewingbasket’.