[image is by Andy Warhol © 2015 The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts, Inc. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York]
So the other day, folks in the comments were talking about leggings. I’m pretty agnostic about leggings, but the whole discussion (which centered on the fact that it can be *really* hard to look good in leggings) got me thinking about the pervasive idea that women owe it to onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decorativeness.
Now, this may seem strange from someone who writes about pretty dresses (mostly) every day, but: You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
I’m not saying that you SHOULDN’T be pretty if you want to. (You don’t owe UN-prettiness to feminism, in other words.) Pretty is pleasant, and fun, and satisfying, and makes people smile, often even at you. But in the hierarchy of importance, pretty stands several rungs down from happy, is way below healthy, and if done as a penance, or an obligation, can be so far away from independent that you may have to squint really hard to see it in the haze.
But what does you-don’t-have-to-be-pretty mean in practical, everyday terms? It means that you don’t have to apologize for wearing things that are held to be “unflattering” or “unfashionable” — especially if, in fact, they make you happy on some level deeper than just being pretty does. So what if your favorite color isn’t a “good” color on you? So what if you are “too fat” (by some arbitrary measure) for a sleeveless top? If you are clean, are covered enough to avoid a citation for public indecency, and have bandaged any open wounds, you can wear any color or style you please, if it makes you happy.
I was going to make a handy prettiness decision tree, but pretty much the end of every branch was a bubble that said “tell complainers to go to hell” so it wasn’t much of a tool.
Pretty, it’s sad to say, can have a shelf life. It’s so tied up with youth that, at some point (if you’re lucky), you’re going to have to graduate from pretty. Sometimes (as in the case with Diana Vreeland, above, you can go so far past pretty that you end up in stylish, or even striking (or the fashion-y term jolie laide) before you know it. But you won’t get there if you think you have to follow all the signs that say “this way to Pretty.” You get there by traveling the route you find most interesting. (And to hell with the naysayers who say “But that’s not PRETTY”!)
A Dress A Day 
I love this! Your attitude reminds me of a character in a favourite Margaret Atwood novel. The narrator’s mother, who is loving but oblivious to fashion, routinely tells her daughter that she looks beautiful, “as long as my clothes have no visible rents.” As I recall, the mum puts together some astonishing outfits for herself, including a tea cozy that she wears as a hat.
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What Margaret Atwood book is this? I’ve only read Edible Woman and Handmaid’s Tale. Thanks!
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Chiming in late to say Cat’s Eye! I love that book
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You’re amazing and I stand in awe. And as a final addition… perhaps a comparison of gorgeous vs pretty vs beautiful? All entirely separate and fabulous qualities/ideals/aims?!
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Yes! ‘Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”. ‘ This whole piece is not only brilliant, but written with compassion for self and others.
Reminded me of a short piece I read years ago, “Letting Beauty Go.” That metaphor stays with me. I dug it up if anyone is interested:
http://lauragraceweldon.com/2010/10/29/letting-beauty-go/
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This is, without a doubt, the best post I’ve read on your blog. I love to look at dresses, but I don’t wear them because I find the vast majority of them uncomfortable. The fashion industry seems to set up mutually exclusive goals (for me and my body type), I can either look good, or be comfortable, but not both. So no matter what choice I make, I should be punishe – eitehr by the lack of regard of strangers, or by the binding sensation of your my clothes. Pretty is a tyrannical standard to live your entire public life trying to maintain.
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Yes, this. Finally, in the fifth decade of my life, i have gotten to the point where i dress completely for myself… and, because i am happiest in clothes that are COMFORTABLE for my body (mostly, i expect, because i deal with significant pain on a daily basis and GODDAMMIT i’m gonna create as much comfortableness as i can), i mostly wear clothes that feel comfortable. That generally means jeans that fit but aren’t tight or binding anywhere and t-shirts or tank tops that are not too tight-fitting. Not exactly the female uniform society dictates, but that’s not something i care about anymore.
To the author: i’ve never seen this blog before, just came here from a link posted on my local fat-positive Facebook group, but i just wanted to say thanks for posting this. i can’t wait to share it with several friends.
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Hooray! Hooray! This is just what I needed to read today!To hell with pretty or unpretty. It’s all about how you FEEL.
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Very well put.
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thanks for this. i’m going to save it to read to my daughter if and when i have one.
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As a commenter upon the dread horror of leggings, I do take the point. However, it is the current dictates of fashion that visit upon us the dread horror of leggings reaching only to the calf and worn under a dress.For me, the leggings issue is less about being pretty and more about being a fashion victim. Perhaps not an entirely separate issue.
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I was told,pics confirm, I was an ugly baby <2, allergies swollen yeye, runny nose, breathing through mouth red rash. Then5 happened told I was cubby and cute, 13 happened cute then pretty, glamorous at 30. I always wore what I wanted usually not trendy–took to sewing. Now at 70 people stop me, tell me they love my clothes, outfits. Grandchildren say "you are so cute." Never caredabout outside reviews 'cause my life certainty: I am smart. I was always very intelligent, regardless of any appearance comments. Finding your internal horn whenever it needs blowing!
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Love this reply! We lived in New Orleans for years and one of the best Mardi Gras costumes (local’s Mardi Gras is all about the costumes!) was by a woman in her late 70s who loved to take garments apart and put them back together in new ways. I had the best conversation with her and wished I could have gotten her name and number to get to know her better. This world needs more women willing to happily and boldly be themselves in any fashion!
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But doesn’t being a fashion victim mean that other people don’t approve of your fashion? The point is you don’t owe anyone that.
Do what makes you feel good. If that’s catering to mainstream fashion demands, great. If you don’t care, no one should punish you for it.
If you’re looking at someone who isn’t following fashion rules an they don’t give a fuck, who are you to tell them they should?
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I think the point of this use of “fashion victim” is that some people are wearing things, not because they feel comfortable in them, or even particularly like them, but because they are being told they are supposed to like them?
I assume the commenters were remarking upon people who *are* following fashion rules, when fashion rules are often just plain stupid.
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I wear leggings all the time. I honestly don’t see the problem with them. They’re comfortable, and they make me feel great and they look good! I can also move around in them (Me being a dancer, I like being able to move around in my clothing)- Now that also goes to say that I’m also considered skinny on the body spectrum, but I’m not without shape. I don’t know, I personally don’t see the problem with them.
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Thanks for presenting the oft-overlooked counterpoint: that feminism does not preclude prettiness. Pretty does make me happy, and I’m even willing to suffer a little for it. Still makes me happy. Doesn’t mean I’m a slave to fashion, or men. And if, someday, leggings make me happy (I can’t imagine, but you never know), I will wear them!
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Exactly the point I love too, I know too many feminists (and yes, I am one) who make their point at the expence of women who have other interests than themselves, that is, their feminist is a woman who is interested in politics and most definitely not in fashion or gossip. I think I can be a smart woman, who also likes to wear heels and know who Jennifer Aniston is dating 😉
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Excellent reply, G! I have pet “ism” movement inside my head and you just represented it. We have come so far, we have so far to go. Next on the freedeom agenda? EVERYONE. Individualism.
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I’ll never sacrifice comfort. I’ve been a feminist since I was four years old. When I look at a person, I see their soul first. Just sayin’. And I must add that in this day and age, there’s plenty of comfortable, beautiful clothing and shoes.
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its amazing how everything becomes about women only, as if there is no pressure or desire on men to be tall dark and handsome. i see feminisst trying to define themselves as oppressed at every corner. but if you ask a feminist whats the origins of feminism, who are the key figures, who do they for, y was it started, any intellegent being if you look at the fact, feminism hurts everyone. the economy, education, and most of all the family unit.. lets not forget, woman have male children too, its 2013, wake up. feminsm was built to destroy the family, and woman are helping them out. look at feminism ojectiveley and its preety clears its not only discrimanation its of no good to any of us. period. i know you ladies are gonna jump all over this post and i welcome you to do so, i beleive in peoples rights, not just the rights of a gender or a group. and if you would like info and evidence of my claims of how hurtful feminism is i be glad to give you some hard cold facts,
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this guy is clearly not the brightest one out there. “don’t forget woman have male children too” – thank you Arthur, I almost forgot how basic anatomy works. some of the earliest feminist writers were male 🙂 that’s the cold hard facts.
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Feminism is about equality. That’s all. If you want to write a blog about your personal experience with being undervalued and only thought of as important because of your conventionally attractive looks- do it. No ones stopping you. This makes a good and valid point. How does encouraging women to feel secure take anything away from men? Oh wait- it does’t. Your gross simplification and flawed train of thought is disturbing and innacurate.
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He does make the point that the discussion does exclude men, i.e., that men are also made to feel bad about their looks and the way they dress by the media. This is absolutely true. Even going only by the fact that men are nowhere mentioned as being “fashion victims” and the “tone” of the discussion is that it only happens to women. That’s wrong.
Oh yeah, trying to help women feel “secure” DOES take away from men if men are blamed and demonized in the process or men’s same or similar problems are ignored or minimized. Oh wait, that never happens….NOT!
As for being “fat”, young men are beaten up and driven to suicide for being the “fat kid” (and that term connotes a boy, not a girl, as I’m sure we know). I don’t know if that’s what happens to overweight girls. Anybody read “Lord of the Flies”? That’s what really happens.
Yes, “Feminism” is meant to be about equality. No kidding. Everybody knows that. Please ease up on the condescension — they have on-line dictionaries these days, I’ve heard. It’s the current IMPLEMENTATION that is the problem. The Nazis and the Communists were also “about” a bunch of good stuff, and we saw where that went. Just saying you’re “about” something doesn’t make you that thing, and you have to take a regular spiritual inventory of what you’re REALLY doing, and a lot of people ARE being hurt by the actions (and inactions) of self-described “Feminists”.
(I have long considered myself to be a feminist, and I take real risks to do real things that help real women, and have for decades, but I’ve recently started strongly considering for the first time dropping the term “Feminist” since people who use the term are doing some really ugly things that I’m afraid are going to make me start hating women or something, and I don’t want that).
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Ahh, you’re one of the ‘feminism hurts everyone’ men. If you want to be taken seriously, you should probably learn to spell. I am now dumber for having read your post. You have contradicted yourself in your post, and your arguments make no sense.
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If you’re going just be gratuitously insulting, you might try making it clever and funny.
Since minor spelling departures seem to make it impossible for you to comprehend a text, I’ll take a stab at rephrasing.
Among his points:
1. It’s always all about women, and that’s amazing.
1.1. Men are not mentioned at all as having body and fashion worries or societal shaming to do with these, and that’s simply false.
1.2. This piece implies that that is the case, i.e., that women are somehow “targeted”
Have you ever seen He-Man, Conan the Barbarian, GI Joe, or even “Ken” (Barbie wa Ken yori mo tsuyoshi 😉 ?
2. Feminists seem to define themselves as victims at every corner.
2.1. Isn’t this obvious?
2.2. Inveighing about female circumcision in Africa when the same number of men are being genitally mutilated in our own country
2.3. That “misogynist shooting” in which four men were killed and two women, and it’s somehow evidence that “misogyny kills” and there’s a crisis of hatred of women
2.4. One could go on “post nauseam” (yes, Lucy, before you jump on that one, it’s a Latin play on words on the expression “ad nauseam” i.e., “to the point of nausea” changed to “beyond the point of nausea”)
2.5. One more classic: Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues” states that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, “twice as many as the penis”. She neglects to mention that that’s a CIRCUMCIZED PENIS, an intact one having some 24,000 – 30,000 nerve endings, or 3 – 4 times that of the clitoris. This is wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to start. Is it lying, is it stupidity, laziness, not caring, bullshitting, poor science, deliberate distortion to further one’s agenda / sell tickets…I don’t know.
3. Equality is about the rights of all genders, not just one.
3.1. Duh.
3.2. Feminist expositions seem to love to imply that whichever “bad thing” only happens to (white) women, failing to mention the corresponding stats for men (I could tell you stories).
3.3. There’s only ONE men’s shelter (in southern California, inland) in the whole USA, but men are know to be equally the victims of “domestic violence”). I’m guessing that there are more than one women’s shelter, and by my first grade math training, that’s UNequal.
4. He said that “Feminism hurts everybody”
4.1. He said that feminism was started for [disingenuous purposes]. An interesting question, I would say, but probably ultimately unanswerable.
4.2. The practice of “Feminism” these days definitely harms men.
4.3. The dialectics bandied about by self-described “Feminists” are often deeply flawed and pose grave potential harm to individuals and society if taken seriously.
5. He said he has “cold, hard facts” — how about you ask for them instead of immediately hurling insults?
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A few comments about Jay’s comment:
1. If you’re on a blog or website devoted to women’s issues, then yes the conversation will likely be centred on women. If I went to a men’s issues site where they were discussing a men’s issue (eg. the rape of men not being taken seriously, and the stigma with coming forward), I wouldn’t expect to hear about concerns for women. I would be there to educate myself and be supportive.
Men do face issues with regards to appearance and size, and it should be acknowledged and addressed (especially as it seems to be getting worse), but think it is equivalent to the pressure put on women is either understandably ignorant or disingenuous. Throughout human history men have been stereotypes as being the strong one, the protective one and the provider. Women have been stereotyped as being beautiful, weak emotionally and physically) and caring or mothering. Both stereotypes are harmful. More emphasis to be beautiful is put on women – a few examples. How many women do you know that regularly wear make-up to enhance their looks? How many feel naked without and are nervous to take a selfie sans make-up? No ask the same questions about the men in your life. How many male comedians will go naked with their less than perfection physique for comedic purposes? How many women go naked for comedic purposes? Are those women thin or fat?
Marketing goes after women because we have been condition to believe that is normal to a size 5, with long lustrous hair and make-up and to be otherwise is a failure. Go to a magazine store and take notice of how many magazines feature a thin, beautiful woman on the cover (sometimes not wearing a lot) and then count the magazine’s that feature buff handsome men. I guarantee you will find a disparity. Is there a female equivalent to Maxim? The diet and cosmetic industries are unfortunately increasing their for-profit focus on men, because 50 years ago men didn’t buy herbal moisturizing balms and go for manicures or have pec implants. But then 50 years ago, the women who did work, generally had a choice of teacher, nurse, waitress or secretary. In TV sitcoms focussing on a couple, I can think of the fit man-fit woman combo, the overweight man-overweight woman combo and the fit woman-overweight woman combo, but I cannot come up with a sitcom in which the wife is overweight while her husband is trim or athletic.
2. Some feminists do consider themselves victims, but the majority don’t. Women are often victims of sexism or misogyny, but that does NOT make them victims. How many women that you pass on the street in DAYLIGHT only to have them comment on your body or ask you to have sex with them? For me, the comments are too numerous to count and I have had plenty of sexual comments including on three instances been asked to suck a guy’s cock….in broad daylight on a city street. I’m cute, but not gorgeous and I don’t dress that provocatively (usually jeans, a top and flats). If you think that’s an anomaly, ask the women in your life. How many times have they been uncomfortable at a sexual cat call or comment? How many times have they felt physically or sexually threatened? How many times have they successfully or unsuccessfully had to fight off someone who was being sexually aggressive? Now ask the men in your life. How often do they hear comments about their bodies? How many times have they avoided (or not) being raped by a woman? How often have they been made to feel physically threatened by strange women on the street? There will be anecdotes on both sides, but they won’t be balanced in numbers. I can easily name entire countries where women are systematically discriminated against, their testimony in court is given half the weight of a mans, a country where women are treated as property… Can you name a single country where the men are systematically oppressed by the women of the country? I’m going to go ahead and guess no.
I am vehemently opposed to male circumcision! It is a barbaric remnant of the Abrahamic faiths that needs to stop. That being said, do you think male and female circumcision are basically the same? In male circumcision a piece of skin is removed from the head of the baby’s penis (horrific). In female circumcision frequently the girls (usually before or around the time of puberty) are held down and and their clitoris and inner labia are cut off and in more extreme cases the outer labia are also cut off and most of the area is sewn up. Complications include chronic pain and infections, inability to give birth, and fatal bleeding. Any atrocity is an atrocity.
Equality is about everyone. Feminism is about increasing women’s right until they are equal to those of men. In a movement where one group has less rights than another, the movement is named for the group struggling for equality. The end goal of movements like women’s rights or gay rights or minority rights are not to transform the oppressed into the privileged. The end goal is equality. Also feminist is not synonymous with female. Most of the men I know are feminists and I’ve certainly encountered plenty of women who aren’t. The enemy of women isn’t men. The enemy of women is patriarchy and misogyny neither of which are held up by men alone.
3. Feminism benefits everyone. Benefits for men include increased paternity leave; increased awareness and care given to cases of rape or domestic abuse in which the man is the victim; increased consideration in custody and alimony matters; not being the only ones subject to future conscription; no stigma or judgement for being a stay-at-home-dad or any career traditionally held by women; good-bye to the “women and children first” paradigm; and women who are happier healthier stronger friends and partners etc.
Well that’s enough of typing for me, especially considering no one may even see this…
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When I discussed the TV sitcom tropes, the third one should be fit woman and over weight man (not fit woman and overweight woman, though hopefully we’ll have those too).
I also saw a few typos…. ignore them SVP.
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God, I wish you could come to Thanksgiving with my family!
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I just love your take on things. What great reading for first thing in the morning!
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A-MEN! This is so third-wave it makes me smile…
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Erin, I am your faithful disciple because of your great writing and gorgeous dresses/patterns. But after today’s entry I insist upon your allowing me to follow you around opening your doors and dusting off your chair before you sit down. It’s the least I can do.
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Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”. Amen.
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I’m with Rebecca. I’m feeling quite miniony today.Do you watch Project Runway? (I can’t imagine that you don’t.)When Tim Gunn was examining everyone’s collections before they returned to New York, and he looked at Laura’s acid olive green dress and said, “I question if it’s even pretty.” or something to that effect, I howled. NOOOO! That’s MY dress! I love it. I want one just like it someday. I may have to be brave enough to dig out the sewing machine and start sewing my own clothes. My tastes are…rather dramatic and not always pretty, but when I’m wearing something I love, I feel fabulous.
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Thank you.Being PC-pretty is not everything. There are thousands of millions of people who walk into a shop and ask to purchase exactly what is on the mannequin. What someone else told them was good or pretty. They never made that choice for themselves.Here is to all of the women (and men) who have the backbone and gusto to be who they are unashamedly and unabashedly, regardless of what other people have to say. Kudos to them!
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Amen to that!
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I second Robinson. I would like “Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female'” on a T-shirt, please, or possibly embroidered on a throw pillow.
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I would buy that T-shirt; please make it go up to 4X. Thanks!
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I would also love that t-shirt, but in a med. or large depending on the cut! This is my first time to read your blog, but I absolutely loved it! A friend posted a link on Facebook. I have long ago subscribed to the “dress for comfort”, and “cotton is King (or Queen)” beliefs. I decided that I was not into any guys who wanted to date a Barbie doll- Barbie, I am not!
You make so many great observations and points in this blog. I wish this were required reading for girls in junior high, repeated required reading for girls in high school, and then again upon high school graduation!
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what – no dress today?
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I have one word to say along these lines: pantyhose. Maybe two – queen-size. Now there is the other side of pretty.When I see pictures of women all done up – hair, make-up, pantyhose, appropriate church or city wear, manolos – that’s when the whole female impersonation thing sends me to the kitchen for a cupcake or a glass of wine. I love the dresses but i’m too fat for most of them and definitely too fat for the accoutrements…Like Ming, I reject the role! If it kills me!Erin, you are a good friend, to yourself and others.
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Amen Amen Amenthanks from a second wave feminist and fourth generation seamstress and a first generation dyke and a seventh (or so) generation southern belle from AtlantaLOVE YOUR BLOG
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A big, huge, bear hug of thanks to you Erin! I second the earlier comment about saving this for the future if/when i have a daughter.
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I come at this a little backwards, since my basic approach to clothes is “practical” – but I find if/when I do make the effort to be pretty, I can enjoy it! But I’ve never felt I had to be pretty. Appropriate, sometimes, but I am not a decorative sort of woman, and never have been. I am still learning to enjoy the experience of playing with being decorative.On another note, I have generally found that if you are wearing something you like, you generally *look* pretty. Attitude brings a lot to a look.
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Flea, I agree.
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I agree! Owe yourself. I also think, ll, that being comfortable is looking good.My blog talks about do’s & don’ts but not in the traditional sense. I hope my meaning has not been lost. My first always #1 rule is to be comfortable. Don’t follow trends just to be trendy. Or do the trends if you want, do them your own way. Do something that’s a fashion rule don’t! Ignore skirt length trends, wear white shoes after labour day, subvert fashion.
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Preach it, sister!
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Today’s post will be required reading for my granddaughters. Pretty is such a subjective thing, anyway. Case in point: Project Runway’s winner Jeffrey’s designs. Ugh!
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Saw a news blurb this morning on Advertising and women’s self esteem blah blah blah. A women said a recent pollstudy said 98% of women don’t feel beautiful. I wanted to cry. From this day forward no one, including myself will make me feel bad about the way I look. I exsist therefore I am BEAUTIFUL.
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Absolutely wonderful post today.
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I am SOOOOO linkng to this!
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I want you *all* at my Thanksgiving table! I give unashamed thanks to Erin for this blog and all the beautiful (read: confident, clever, comfortable) women who comment.
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if you’ve got to have some one-word concept to describe one’s looks, “healthy” is a good one to aim for…
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Women should avoid wearing leggings under dresses because I find the look unattractive.I jest! I jest!Great post, Erin. I believe people should take joy in being beautiful and try to offer beauty to those around them, however it’s very clear that beauty often has little to do with what is being sold.
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You are so amazing. Thank you for writing this! I really needed to read this today as I have been feeling incredibly unpretty as of late.
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Erin, thank you for stating it so succinctly. As a clothes-and-fabric junkie, I would watch the various “What Not To Wear” shows, despite a growing sense of unease. Although it’s undeniable that many folks looked attractive, many more of them seemed to lose the sense of what made them unique. It’s why, even though I can see that oversized T-shirts and leggings can make some women look like chickadees, I don’t feel any moral outrage, or need to deny them the choice. It’s why I serenely continue buy and wear 80’s jackets with padded shoulders. Heck, it’s why many of us come here and drool over dresses that are, often, nearly sixty years out of date! I enjoy the daily pageantry and show in life, and don’t particularly want to see everyone homogenized. I happen to think that pretty is what you believe in, and that it’s different for everyone. LL, as far as the “look good or be comfortable” goes, as far as I believe, at least, it’s not a matter of either/or. I wear what I like, and I what I like is to be comfortable. You are entitled to wear colours you love, and prints that appeal to you, and fabric that feels good to you, whether or not it answers to anyone else’s idea of what’s currently “fashionable.” That’s what’s wonderful about sewing – it provides access to both individuality and freedom; if you’re a size 30 in ready-to-wear, and you love leopard-print velvet, then you can wear leopard-print velvet (with or without leggings, as you please). Sewing is a tool that lets you live your dreams – at least sartorially. Pretty is what you believe in. You have to define it for yourself, and live it, instead of living your life in fear.
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I think you place to much emphasis on women dressing for men in your opening. I find that I am much more aware of how other women will perceive my fashion, my hair, my makeup (lack of), etc… and I know I am guilty of judging other people as well (although lately, I’m obsessed with how ill-fitting most clothing is (including my own blouse today.)
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This is awesome.The fact that I wanted to lose weight, dress in pretty clothes, clear up my skin, wear make up, etc, has everything to do with me and *my* choices, and nothing to do with anybody else.Ok, maybe a little nagging from my mom, but still.All me.And I’m pretty feminist.I also hate body hair on anybody, regardless of gender. So nyah.And leggings are the ugliest thing ever. We suffered through them in the 80s, why do we need to go through it again?
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What an excellent post.I have spent the last year working out, eating better, and trying to get back into shape. But I have done it – losing 30+ pounds and feeling great – for myself.No matter how many times I tried for other people, it didn’t work. When I finally realized that anything should all be for me, the effort suddenly seemed worth it.John
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What good news you brought today!
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This is fabulous!It’s what I’ve always felt about such shows as What Not to Wear: if you like it, why not wear it? I will defend any person’s right to wear something that doesn’t suit him or her if it makes them feel happy.I don’t mind trying for pretty on occasion, but there’s no way I could do it every day. I have other things I want to do, and they’re better served by jeans and boots and hair tied back off my face. I’m just lucky in that my husband agrees. It makes me sad when I hear women saying that they feel they have to dye their hair, or dress a certain way, in order to project a certain image… if you don’t want to, what’s the point?(In my avatar pic I’m wearing an oversized hooded tunic thing that I’ve had since 1992. It makes me look like a lost hobbit… but it’s very warm and comfortable.)
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I have come to think of clothing as an art form mostly* unconnected to the appearance of the person serving as the dress form inside it. This is very liberating as a personal dressing philosophy. If I’m showered and comfortable in what I’m wearing I certainly don’t worry about the fashionability of the hem length. (Or how bright my newly-dyed t-shirt is.) I buy colors when they’re in fashion, to wear during the long droughts when there aren’t any colors I like.And, because I notice clothing, I often compliment women on what they’re wearing, whatever the size or shape of the woman inside. It could be their oldest sweater which is a great color (often I find they say that the garment I’ve noticed is old I figure that means it’s a favorite). I try to avoid personal comments, except maybe “It’s a great color on you”. Often the piece I notice will be a large shirt in a great fabric. Super. I like them myself. And when dresses were showing up more and more, and I was working outside and wearing jeans and a uniform shirt, I was very happy to see everybody’s options expanding.Is this just California? One day I noticed in the hardware store, within half an hour, a lady in an ankle length dress, one in a flared black mini with striped tights, one in jeans and tatoos and muscles and a midriff-baring top, and a guy in jeans, a muted lime tunic, & peace symbol pendant. I love the freedom of expression available.And notice that each of those send a different message to the viewer. The thing I realized years ago, after hearing that a friend had not gotten into medical school because she wouldn’t wear a skirt to the interview, is that it’s all costume. We can choose what message we send, and choose it differently each day. It does not define us, unless we let it.*mostly unconnected to the appearance of the person serving as the dress form inside it Mostly because given my choice I’ll prefer something which is cut to be flattering and easy to move in and well-fitted for comfort. And a color that when I was paler made me look like a dead fish-belly (like orange or black) did not make me comfortable.PS I’m just about to post my latest fictitious dress designs for a class project. These are meant to be hand-dyed or hand-painted designs, with large patterns. The dresses were drawn like several vintage patterns or dresses that Erin showed.The colors of this project are way outside my original comfort range, and I love them together. The color theory teacher was right; it’s possible to use any colors and make them look good.
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This is fabulous — especially the idea that we don’t OWE anyone either the obligation of being pretty or of rejecting prettiness. Let me take that one step further. We don’t OWE anyone a smile, either. Some men, in particular, seem to be weirdly offended if a woman doesn’t smile at them, and will demand that we do so. This is all part of the same continuum as what you’ve discussed here.
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Sometimes when someone tells me to “smile,” especially if it’s someone I know, I reply, “Okay — make me happy.”
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Great response!
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Love this post and everybody’s comments here.Cathy You can get yourself a t-shirt at Cafepress, just send them the design. Or if you’re not into that, let me know, and I can do it for you. (With Erin’s permission, since they’re her words.)
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Hey folks, this is a great post… but the thesis is not actually Erin’s. The entire first paragraph is a direct quote from Diana Vreeland. Erin uses a picture, but doesn’t actually credit her… which is weird.
Sorry, Erin. Like your post, but don’t know why you don’t credit the great DV.
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Actually, no, that’s not the case. The words in this post are mine — they are being credited to DV elsewhere on the Internets by people who are somewhat lacking in reading comprehension because I put a big picture of DV up at the top. 🙂 I am happy to stand behind my own writing.
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Yay!You should send this to the folks at “What Not To Wear” (the show seems to be all about squelching any individuality the guest might happen to have.
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Yay, you.My mother told me once that, sometimes, a piece of clothing will surprise you, and even something that is “wrong” for your body type will occasionally work really well. I remember her telling me that every time I wear one of my favorite, but in theory deeply unflattering, sweaters. Yea, it cuts me off across my waist, but I feel hip when I wear it anyway. And I love leggings. Always have. And when they were hard to find, I cut the feet off my tights and wore those. My ankles and calves make me happy.
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Once again: Right on.
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I just want to say, thank you sister, from the bottom of my heart.And I want one of those throw pillows.I’m going to quote you often.”Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.”
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Brilliant. Just brilliant.
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My usual line – I’ve never been pretty. I’m good with that. I’m handsome & smart, with a touch of exotic when I try. Moreover, go back to that smart bit again. I’m damned smart. Which beats worrying about being pretty.
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Cathy, I can make you one! (a t-shirt)
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This has got to be my favorite post!!!
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To quote the brilliant character Charles Wallace from the “Wrinkle in Time” series by Madeline L’Engle”Mother isn’t the least bit pretty.She is beautiful”.My thoughts:Pretty is skin deep and fashion du jour. It is as fleeting as a passing mood. It is easily attained in youth, and usually not really needed as much as you age.Beauty is from the soul, going beyond skin, shape, and fashion. It adds grace to every situation and every encounter, and like a fragrance, it awakens every sense and re-awakens memories and dreams of being one’s best. Beauty comes slowly, and is often found in those who are both old and wise.Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears are pretty. Mother Theresa was beautiful.I like to be pretty. Some times I am, other times (like now, patiently waiting for Bell’s Palsy to subside and release my smile from a Halloween mask appearance)I am not. Things happen to our bodies and skin, both with age and events beyond our control.What I think would be worth working towards is beauty, via careful thoughts, words and actions.Fashion is fun, and I wouldn’t want to do without pretty, but some day I would adore hearing: She isn’t the least bit pretty. She is beautiful.
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What Rebecca said. And what Cathy said.
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