[image is by Andy Warhol Ā© 2015 The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts, Inc. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York]
So the other day, folks in the comments were talking about leggings. I’m pretty agnostic about leggings, but the whole discussion (which centered on the fact that it can be *really* hard to look good in leggings) got me thinking about the pervasive idea that women owe it to onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decorativeness.
Now, this may seem strange from someone who writes about pretty dresses (mostly) every day, but: You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
I’m not saying that you SHOULDN’T be pretty if you want to. (You don’t owe UN-prettiness to feminism, in other words.) Pretty is pleasant, and fun, and satisfying, and makes people smile, often even at you. But in the hierarchy of importance, pretty stands several rungs down from happy, is way below healthy, and if done as a penance, or an obligation, can be so far away from independent that you may have to squint really hard to see it in the haze.
But what does you-don’t-have-to-be-pretty mean in practical, everyday terms? It means that you don’t have to apologize for wearing things that are held to be “unflattering” or “unfashionable” — especially if, in fact, they make you happy on some level deeper than just being pretty does. So what if your favorite color isn’t a “good” color on you? So what if you are “too fat” (by some arbitrary measure) for a sleeveless top? If you are clean, are covered enough to avoid a citation for public indecency, and have bandaged any open wounds, you can wear any color or style you please, if it makes you happy.
I was going to make a handy prettiness decision tree, but pretty much the end of every branch was a bubble that said “tell complainers to go to hell” so it wasn’t much of a tool.
Pretty, it’s sad to say, can have a shelf life. It’s so tied up with youth that, at some point (if you’re lucky), you’re going to have to graduate from pretty. Sometimes (as in the case with Diana Vreeland, above, you can go so far past pretty that you end up in stylish, or even striking (or the fashion-y term jolie laide) before you know it. But you won’t get there if you think you have to follow all the signs that say “this way to Pretty.” You get there by traveling the route you find most interesting. (And to hell with the naysayers who say “But that’s not PRETTY”!)
A Dress A Day 
Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.I think you should publish this in every Fashion magazine…thank you for speaking the truth so clearly. š
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I hope you don’t mind but I have copied this entry and pasted it to a file in my computer and titled it “you don’t have to be pretty!” I did this so that every once in a while when I am doubting myself I will read it and do what I REALLY want to do…not what I think should be done in regards to my appearance. This comes on the heels of my husband telling me yesterday that his jeans (that I was wearing) didn’t look good on me and that I shouldn’t wear them. I wore them for comfort…not so much for style yesterday. So now I can say “all complainers go to hell!” when he makes comments like that. Thank you!
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can’t believe I just found this!I am stenciling your quote on my 6 yr old daughter’s wall. She has already told me she doesn’t want to eat certain things because she doesn’t want to be fat! Yes, I broke into tears! How are we supposed to raise the next generation to be healthy and centered when I, at least haven’t figured it out for myself!
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Fabulous!
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I enjoyed this so much — thank you! I think they are words of wisdom indeed, and wrote a post in my LJ that celebrated those words, and linked to this post. But to Carbonelle, who said, “Do your own thing” or “I just want to be comfortable (ugh) are our by-words, and appears to believe that this post wasn’t necessary — This morning I woke to a comment on that post, wherein an anonymous commenter (of course) told me that I was a “murdering man-hating piece of scum” for daring to suggest that, as women, we can look as we want. Oy. I made a post about it here. I used to not believe it, but it’s true — society exerts a pressure on women to conform to male expectations, and some men get livid if a woman dares to do her own thing. So, yes, posts like this are needed. If nothing else, it gives us a flag for like-minded women to rally around, and demonstrates that we aren’t the only ones who feel this way. (Whatever the “this way” in question is.).
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I agree with you. And I like leggings.
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F%$#k yeah!
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I went for 10 years without shaving my legs. I had an old secretary tell me that I would never find a man if I didn’t shave – I’m now married to him. I was told that my skin would be ruined if I didn’t wear makeup – I’m still beautiful. I finally shaved the day before my wedding, not for my husband, but because I felt it was time. It was time to feel girly – at least for a while.But, a previous poster was right… it’s not all men who are dictating women’s fashion. It is very often women. I had a particularly heinous job in an office full of women. They all had their nails done, wore makeup and hairspray… I clearly didn’t fit in, both in physical appearance and in personality. Thank heavens I left that job! I love looking pretty… but I hate having to. That to me is the difference. The FREEDOM to CHOOSE how I appear.
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Thank you. Just thank you for saying that. So many of us exhaled today because you articulated exactly this.
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I’ve been doing work both politically and as an photographer about beauty for over 20 years. This is simply one of the best essays on “pretty” I’ve read. We happily included it in the 27th Feminist Carnival that is up now on our blog “Body Impolitic”,Check it out!
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Hi — Found this post through the Carnival of Feminists. Love it. Really do.Thank you for writing it.
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this was so enlightening. really great.
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Thank you, thank you. I’m 46, long past the “pretty” age, and slightly tipsy, as I’ve had the best part of a bottle of white wine, (a very nice Chardonnay) which I shared with my 19 yr old son. I’ve just found your blog, whilst googling, “appropriate dressing for a 46 yr old female”, as I am doing the thing where you can’t find suitable clothes in the “older ladies” shops, but just can’t wear lime green crop tops anymore, and as for low rise jean/trousers, well…I haven’t read enough to know what nationality you are, but I’m a Scot who now lives in England in the UK, and I just don’t know what to wear. I buy a lot of classic stuff in charity shops; I have a 43 year old partner (male) who seems happy whatever I wear, but of course, as a bloke, he would prefer me in short skirts! Having treetrunk like legs, I have told him where he can go with that.Love your blog and your “stuff it” attitude.Go girl.Carole
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And, of course, the first thing I thought when I saw the Diana Vreeland pic was “Isn’t she gorgeous!” Pretty can go stuff itself.
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I’ve had this post bookmarked for a long time. You rock!From TBK, a 34 year old woman who wears knee hi’s and calls her outfits “costumes.”
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This is awesome! Thanks!! I especially like it because I teach at a university full of teeny stick girls who all wear the latest fashions. Guess what? They look UGLY. I can’t wait for the leggings/bug sunglasses look to go ‘out’ again, just so that women who can’t make decisions about clothing themselves (but have to be told what to wear) stop dressing like insects. (I mean, if they wore antenna or something, that could be cool..)
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Isn’t the point of this article to appreciate clothing for what it is, rather for its aesthetic appeal? Your comment basically said, “Thanks for writing about how women don’t owe it to anyone to be pretty! Girls at my school wear UGLY clothes and I can’t wait for them to be pretty by my standards again.”
Hating leggings and mocking the people who wear them as “ugly” and “insects” just indicates that your reading comprehension is a wee bit lax. I don’t wear leggings as pants myself, but as the article said, if it covers them and they like it… Tell complainers to go to hell.
Well, there you go.
Also, some of your phrasing reminds me of the phrase “real women have curves.” Sure, many of them do, of course… but in a few cases “curves” has just become a euphemism for “overweight” and the phrase then becomes not only incorrect but hateful to anyone at a healthy weight or below. However, just because they might not have aesthetically appealing voluptuousness (“teeny stick girls”), does that mean they aren’t “real” women? Are they less than a person because they are underweight? It, in extreme cases, can be just as unhealthy as being overweight, but they get just as much veiled hate and bitterness like you showed in your comment.
It’s all very convenient for someone like you to sit back and assume that all the people around them are mindless followers. However, you yourself betrayed quite a few borrowed biases of your own. Please think more critically.
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Cool post, interesting in theory, but let’s be real. Pretty is the rent you have to pay for being female in this society. Unnattractive women are scorned, marginalized, do not get the guy and do not get the job. Beauty is power, which is exactly why it is so sought after by women of all ages. I don’t think I could be happy without looking nice. I do know that as a woman over 35, I would have never attracted the eye of my current flame without being beauty saavy, and looking 10 years younger hasn’t hurt.In a perfect world, one not ruled by men, feminine beauty wouldn’t matter so much. But it does. To tell women they don’t have to look after their appearance is foolhardy. Unless you’re independently wealthy and asexual, you most certainly do have to consider being pretty.
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This is wonderful, and so very true.I’m in my late 40s and I feel truly blessed that I was raised without being taught that I had to pluck my eyebrows, shave anything I don’t want to shave, wear painful shoes or clothes, dye my hair only “suitable” colors, have cosmetic surgery to look “better”, or any of the other things some women feel are necessary not for their own happiness, but to make other people like them.I LIKE being this way. I wear knee socks, knitted caps and scarves, hellokitty pants, lots of purple and hot pink (and dye my hair the same colors sometimes), and I love it. I have a wonderful husband that adores me and plenty of friends who seem to think I am just fine the way I am. Sometimes I like dressing up pretty, sometimes silly, sometimes I like comfy sweats. Sometimes I dye my hair and sometimes I leave it gray. Thank you for writing this and reminding everyone of a very deep truth — there’s a vast difference between wanting to look how you want to look for your own joy and wanting to look a certain way so that others people will like how you look and therefore like you more.
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Amen!
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This is amazing. I can’t believe I’ve never deconstructed the concept “pretty,” but you’ve done a darn good job here. How freeing! The idea that I don’t owe it to society in general to “look my best” (as opposed to looking professional or tidy) is something I’ve never considered…
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Aen to that, its relieving to realise i dont have to please anyone but i just realised how showing my incredible clevage and lacy stockings makes me feel very pretty. i love to feel loose!
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This is just so wonderfully sensible. Thank you for putting it so well!I think this is a must-read for anyone having a “fat day” or otherwise feeling inadequate in their appearance. We owe each other consideration (I’m thinking of your dressing to fly post), but not “pretty”.
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Great words, Erin! You are a goddess!I’ll take stylish over pretty any day of the week and twice on Sunday!I’m sorry for all those who posted comments along the lines of “I’m must look a certain way to get along/get the guy/be happy”.I’m 180 pounds, about 5’5″, wear makeup about twice a year, hardly ever wear a dress and pretty much always wear my hair in a ponytail.I’m happy with my job, my man, my home, my family.@Julie: I’m pretty sure the founding fathers weren’t “Oh, yeah! And all women should wear a dress and makeup at all times” when they wrote the Declaration. And it’s the “pursuit of happiness” not the “right to happiness” just for the record.
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Well said! It’s nice to read such insightful words of wisdom.
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About ten years ago, my boss (generally a good guy) commented that it annoyed him when women wore loafers. It was a casual remark but it stuck with me. Would he ever be willing to endure the daily punishment of wearing high-heeled shoes just for the sake of looking good to the opposite sex? No way! Why is it fair to expect this of women?Thanks for a great blog entry. You said what I wanted to say only 10 times better. (I love the decision tree idea!)
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Brilliant! We don’t owe prettiness or (smiles or attention to strangers).Fashion (AKA, the conventionally-accepted idea of pretty), is a sport, and participation should never be compulsory.
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nobody could ever say it better. thank you!
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Wow. This is really awesome and inspiring. I have been really working hard over the last year to crunch and save money and stick to a budget, and havent been able to afford to go clothes shopping. I dont know how to make clothes. I have felt really frumpy and not-myself because all the clothes I have now are so PLAIN and so non-descript. Its not about looking good so much as it is about looking like I feel. Ugh. Anyway. I really enjoyed your post.-Elaina
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Highly encouraging post. So much so that I will keed your words in mind when I get dressed from this day on forth. Honestly and truly.
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Lovely post.Especially for someone like me who never thinks im pretty enough.Thank you!
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I used to get confused between what I thought was pretty for me, and what I thought other people might think was pretty or UN-pretty. It took me time and experience to tell the difference. Thanks for this post!
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So true!
I love looking pretty, so it’s what I choose to do. I also have chosen to make charisma and attractiveness my life’s work, so I choose to find great importance in my appearance.
The thing is – I do it because I want things. I do it – yes, to impress other people. Why? Because I want to. Everything is a choice, including the choice to be affected by other people’s input.
I choose beautiful, competent, professional. Because that’s who I am.
Love,
CarolAnn
http://CharismaU.com
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I totally agree! Be yourself… Being yourself is great. Love your posts! You tell em’ girl!
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and this is why i shaved my head a few weeks ago. i’m only a ‘pretty’ eighteen year old girl, but i’ve always much rather be striking than pretty.
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Love it, love it, love. Part of this is now my FB status, so you’re famous. (To me. And a few other people.)
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Thank you. This has really helped liberate me from being someone I hated.
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terrific.
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Leggings are indeed funky looking – however, live through a Chicago winter and they will become a necessity. Warmth before beauty – perhaps you can have both? I guess the key is to find something that you find to be attractive and functional and to heck with everyone else’s opinion. I think eccentric is the term used for people who dress for comfort and don’t care what people think of their style. I have long since shelved “pretty” as the priority of the day. However, I love pretty, beautiful,fabulous textured fabrics and designs but I buy them for me – not what other people will think of me in them. If I don’t look great in them but I feel great in them – jimmy crack corn and I don’t care! Don’t take a picture and just don’t look. And for heaven’s sake – don’t try to put me on a fashion makeover show!
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Lovely post!
Although I think it’s worth emphasizing that we don’t need to be pretty, even for ourselves. For those women who have spent two hours unable to walk out the door, not because they are afraid of what someone else will think, but of their own reflections, you don’t need to care.
I wonder, though, whether this will help or hinder those women who think they can’t be pretty, no matter what they do.
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Best line: Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
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A friend just shared your link. I love this post! Thank you for sharing it. As one who does fancy pants posts (yes, weekly fashion posts here!), I tend to think that Pretty is a state of mind rather than they way you look. I dress to feel pretty. I probably don’t. And I’m totally past caring what others think.
Love your blog, and now off to have a closer look! xxx
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Love it!! Would love a tshirt with this: Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female” on it. Do you mind if I get one printed for myself?
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Dear Kez — please do!
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I used to know a little girl who always wore wonderful, strange outfits to school. Her mother never tried to stop her from marching off in inspired creations.
She often wore stiff cotton shorts on her head as a sort of headdress. They tended to flop slightly at top and make her a sort of juvenile Nefertiti. Wondrous.
I have forgotten her name, but I will never forget the look of her!
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Gold. Beautifully put.
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If *they* don’t think I’m pretty, they don’t have to look.
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I loved this post.
The only reason I am “pretty”? Because I know I am.
I’m only pretty when I’m happy and I’m only pretty when I’m healthy. These three go hand-in-hand for me. I am 15kg overweight (if we’re going by the stupid BMI measure). When I weighed 20kg less than I did now I was so miserable. I frowned all the time. I was so negative. I was so hungry. I was not pretty.
I’m pretty when I ride my bike in the early morning and I’m pretty when I listen to the music that I love. I’m not pretty because someone else tells me I am. Gosh — I don’t know if anyone even *thinks* I am. I wouldn’t say I fit in to society’s stereotype of what prettiness even is. I’m pretty for me, and that’s enough.
(PS – to the people above saying they’re “too fat” for certain things? You’re not. Wear that top or that dress or that hat or that hairstyle. Do everything that you think you are too fat to do. You’re not. You really aren’t. You’re lovely.)
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Yes yes yes yes yes.
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Thank you. This is awesome.
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Well thank you. And those of you reading, thinking, “I AM pretty, I don’t need this,” yes, yes you do. Even more.
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