[image is by Andy Warhol © 2015 The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts, Inc. / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York]
So the other day, folks in the comments were talking about leggings. I’m pretty agnostic about leggings, but the whole discussion (which centered on the fact that it can be *really* hard to look good in leggings) got me thinking about the pervasive idea that women owe it to onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decorativeness.
Now, this may seem strange from someone who writes about pretty dresses (mostly) every day, but: You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
I’m not saying that you SHOULDN’T be pretty if you want to. (You don’t owe UN-prettiness to feminism, in other words.) Pretty is pleasant, and fun, and satisfying, and makes people smile, often even at you. But in the hierarchy of importance, pretty stands several rungs down from happy, is way below healthy, and if done as a penance, or an obligation, can be so far away from independent that you may have to squint really hard to see it in the haze.
But what does you-don’t-have-to-be-pretty mean in practical, everyday terms? It means that you don’t have to apologize for wearing things that are held to be “unflattering” or “unfashionable” — especially if, in fact, they make you happy on some level deeper than just being pretty does. So what if your favorite color isn’t a “good” color on you? So what if you are “too fat” (by some arbitrary measure) for a sleeveless top? If you are clean, are covered enough to avoid a citation for public indecency, and have bandaged any open wounds, you can wear any color or style you please, if it makes you happy.
I was going to make a handy prettiness decision tree, but pretty much the end of every branch was a bubble that said “tell complainers to go to hell” so it wasn’t much of a tool.
Pretty, it’s sad to say, can have a shelf life. It’s so tied up with youth that, at some point (if you’re lucky), you’re going to have to graduate from pretty. Sometimes (as in the case with Diana Vreeland, above, you can go so far past pretty that you end up in stylish, or even striking (or the fashion-y term jolie laide) before you know it. But you won’t get there if you think you have to follow all the signs that say “this way to Pretty.” You get there by traveling the route you find most interesting. (And to hell with the naysayers who say “But that’s not PRETTY”!)
A Dress A Day 
Beauty is something deep that shines from the inside out. Fashionably “pretty” can’t hold a candle to that.I’m sending a link to your post to my sister.
LikeLike
Thank you.I think I’ll be linking this over at my place; you hit it out of the park, and I know a lot of folk who could do with hearing it.
LikeLike
The comments here on prettiness vs. beauty reminded me of a play I just saw, “The Clean House” by Sarah Ruhl. In the play, a cold, high-powered female doctor learns that her husband has run off with one of his breast-cancer patients. Act One ends with the doctor asking “Is she pretty?” “No she’s not,” comes the response, “she’s beautiful!” This sets up the conflict for the second act, because while it might be possible to triumph over a merely pretty rival, it’s impossible to triumph over true beauty. Such is the power of beauty–especially when it comes in the form of a warm, generous, 70-year-old free spirit, as it does in this play.In fact, “The Clean House” has a lot of wonderful messages about inner and outer beauty for all women. Three of the four female characters are over 50, and the fourth is a curvy young Latina–when was the last time you saw that onstage? It’s about “escaping from the tyranny of pretty” in showing how a messy but vibrant house is more beautiful than an orderly but lifeless one. Great play with a lovely message.
LikeLike
Amen, Erin. Amen.
LikeLike
::applauds::Very well put. Thank you.
LikeLike
Right on.I feel compelled to add the corollary that one does not have to look normal, either.I feel compelled to add this because today–it having been dark, gloomy, and very rainy this morning while I was getting ready for work–I am dressed head to toe in green: green hoodie, green top, green skirt, green tights (and thanks for making me go back to the leggings discussion, which I hadn’t followed–I positively ransacked mytights.com, which somebody recommended), and green flowered wellies.I look like a giant freaky bean.But it’s made a couple of my coworkers smile, the building manager said I looked “great,” and I had some intense (though silent) amusement myself when someone in the elevator asked, after staring at my knee-high very obviously rubber boots for several seconds, “Are those rain boots?” All afternoon I’ve been thinking of smart-ass replies. “Why, no–they’re my Manolo Blahniks,” etc. (In reality, I just said, “Yes!” and beamed at her.)So. Yes, sometimes you just have to wear whatever will make you laugh.
LikeLike
Wonderful post today! Wish I had read it before I had to dress up to have my picture taken for an article about entrepreneurial Mom’s the other day. It was a horrific experience!! I was so worried about looking fat it destroyed my self confidence, and I am not looking forward to seeing the outcome on Monday. I did manage to feel like I had on a pretty dress…..but I felt icky. Not good. Later that day while my daughter was at preschool I had on normal TV while I worked and saw the new Dove ad, with the woman who goes in to the photoshoot looking “plain” and not so glamorous, the fast-forward through her make-up & hair session, photo shoot & then what the computer does to her to warp her face, features & neck into the ideal of beautiful. It was staggering. I then looked up their website, and there is an ad there you can watch about young girls and what they say they think about how they look…..little girls who feel “fat”, “ugly” and hate their freckles….and I just sat here & cried. I wish I felt pretty, but I don’t most of the time. I’ve got to do something about that, because life’s too short to spend time miserable on the inside. And I will NOT teach my gorgeous little girl that appearance matters so much that it can make you miserable! This post will go a long way toward helping me start to address that with myself……..Ang
LikeLike
The honesty of your comment is deeply touching. “I wish I felt pretty, but I don’t most of the time.” I identify completely. Thank you for having the heart and courage to share so boldly.
LikeLike
“Saw a news blurb this morning on Advertising and women’s self esteem blah blah blah. A women said a recent pollstudy said 98% of women don’t feel beautiful.”Well, I guess if women felt beautiful, we wouldn’t buy all those beauty products…its a vicious cycle, its a multibillion dollar industry. I try to stay on the outskirts of this, but working on a college campus surrounded by vixens in leggins makes it a hard task! ;-)Great post! Loved it. I was extra “militant” today.
LikeLike
You continue to rock so very hard. Go you!
LikeLike
“Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female.'” This so perfectly encapsulates what I feel on this subject — I can’t describe how truly grateful I am to you for writing this. I really *do* feel that the demand that women & girls be pretty is based in part on the unspoken assumption that we are inferior as human beings. That what we have to offer as friends, colleagues, professionals, writers, designers, etc. is not worth mentioning and that we count only to the extent that we gratify men’s visual fixation.I feel very strongly about this. Just think how many male roles in movies are available to NON-handsome & yong actors, and by contrast, how FEW female roles are available except for the prety ingenues.To me, this asymmetry in male/female roles for actors and actresses betrays a failure of the culture’s imagination, an unwillingness to *believe*, truly believe, in women as human beings capable of the whole range of actions that human beings are capable of.
LikeLike
Long ago, I acted the part of Millie in William Inge’s play “Picnic.” In one scene, Millie & her beauty queen older sister, Madge, have a tiff about art. Millie defends, “His name is Picasso, & he’s a great artist.” Madge counters, “A woman with seven eyes. Very pretty.” Millie’s response is “Pictures don’t have to be pretty!” Millie would love you.
LikeLike
Okay, so I know I’m late to the party, but I would really like to know the answer to this, if anyone has got it.Unshaved legs, as seen when wearing shorts, or shadow-of-the-knee skirts: are they NOT clean and covered enough to avoid a citiation for public indecency?Because if you ask me, who doesn’t shave her legs, there is nothing at all wrong, unclean, or indecent about unshaved legs; but the prevailing opinon seems to be that it would be less rude to spit in the face of your grandmother than to subject the general populace to the site of UNSHAVEN calves!!!This makes no sense to me. I get compliments on my lovely, very long, curly hair. I get compliments on my perfectly (and naturally) formed eyebrows. But, hair, of the exact same chemical make-up, on my legs, is considered gross.Why?It’s even clean hair.But somehow people seem to think women shaving their legs is a basic tenet of personal hygiene.I don’t understand how hair on one part of the body is beatiful, and yet the same hair on another part of the body is gross. This applies to men, as well. I know some women think beards are gross beyond words. Why? If it’s a clean beard, it’s the same sort of stuff that grows out of their heads.Hair is even a sign of good health. Only someone who is expeirencing health problems (e.g. cheomtherapy or pre-diabetes, or something) will be lacking in body hair. Bodies, naturally, have hair coming out of every part of them, excepting only the palms of your hands and the soles of your feet.So why can’t people be consistant? Either we should go the way of the ancient Egyptians, and shun all hair as unclean, and shave off every hair on our bodies–or else, not give a darn where the hair does or does not grow. I don’t understand all this “it’s unacceptable not to shave your legs” when I have almost as much hair sprouting out of my forearms that no one even notices.For the record, I try not to subject the general populace to my hairy legs–I wear long pants. But the hair doesn’t bother me, and I don’t understand why it bothers other people. I don’t even understand how this tradition of leg-shaving started, or why people care.Sorry. Rant off. But I would like to hear what other people think. It seems to me like such a peculiar phenomenon.But I’m pretty sure, if nothing else, unshaven calves do count as striking.
LikeLike
Because companies wanted to earn more money by selling razors etc. to women, too, so they ran aggressive marketing campaigns. http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/625/who-decided-women-should-shave-their-legs-and-underarms
LikeLike
My best friend does not shave her legs. It does not bother me. Why should it? She is also the most beautiful woman I know. Not because she is “pretty” but because she has the self confidence to not shave, wear shorts and skirts, AND can put bright colours together and wear them in a way that I can only dream of! On top of all of the external stuff, she is intelligent, creative and fun. Hairy legs quickly become a moot point when a woman has more personality than a blue beaver on speed. 🙂
LikeLike
Well, I think if you are up for some reading you should read what Julia Kristeva has to say about the “abject,” specifically relating to hair. Its most insightful.I personally shave sometimes, but I’m not too good about it. I think I only do it because I remember a 6th grade boy on the school bus making fun of my hairy legs…which I promptly shaved when I got home. Stupid, yes–I should have shown him what a hairy knee can do ;-)I think that possibly this whole shaving thing has to do with us trying to distance ourselves from our closest relatives–apes/monkeys, okay, animals is what I’m getting at. We are animals, but one way to differentiate between us and them is hair–where it is and how much there is. Its just a thought, its just an underdeveloped hypothesis. I think you could make some interesting correlation between some of the reasons people get all in a fuss about wearing furs (besides some of the obvious reasons).
LikeLike
Why do women shave? Marketing and advertising:http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_012.htmlCMCPS: I love the Straight Dope motto: “Fighting Ignorance Since 1973 (It’s taking longer than we thought)”
LikeLike
Hi, Another great post!I’ve never been pretty, but I do the best I can with what I’ve got to make myself happy. But it’s hard, when you feel good about how you look and then go out and catch a glimpse of someone looking at you oddly. You automatically think they are critiquing the way you look. Or at least that’s how I feel. Woman shouldn’t tear each other down. We should accept each other’s own prettyness as an expression of our individualness, and our right to look the way we want or wear whatever we want. I stopped watching those fashion makeover shows because they all appear to break down the person’s esteem and individuality and then tell them what the SHOULD be wearing. I don’t like fashion magazine either, because I don’t need to be told what to wear.I liked Laura’s green PR dress too, and I also like leggings. Sorry. I just bought a pair for $8.99 from Target and I am thrilled with them!
LikeLike
Erin, God love you! I needed this today. I was up at 4:30 getting my DH to the airport to see his dad in the hospital, and I actually debated whether or not to “get dressed and made up” before we left. I realized at about 4:45 that I didn’t owe anyone anything, and DH was just glad to make his plane – he sure didn’t care if I had mascara on. Thank you, thank you, thank you! -Ann
LikeLike
Erin,Way to go on both fronts – that you don’t owe pretty to anyone, nor do you owe un-pretty to anyone in the name of your feminist credentials. Essentially, I suppose this is a “you rock” to the 67th power!
LikeLike
In addition to a splendid post, may I compliment you on your use of the phrase “centered on”? It makes me smile whenever I hear that phrased correctly rather than the physically impossible “centered around.” Cheers!
LikeLike
Fabby post Erin. I so agree with Rebecca, Deena and La Belladonna.Anonymous at 1:07 I love leggings. Thank you so much for saying this. I love leggings too!!! I also love the strechy pants that look like leggings from the late 80’s early 90’s. I bought so many pairs I still have quite a few left. I hardly wear them anymore because I have gotten bigger. My dh hates them and my sons friends as school told my son I look awful in strechy pants. Son came and told me this. It hurt my feelings. I love Laura on Project Runway. I think she is fabby and elegant.Go Carol at dandelion vintage whoo hoo!!! I was afraid to come here and post I like leggings.I own a lovely dress from 16 yrs ago. I paid $17 for the dress. I wore it last week. I wear it every fall. I got a a complement on it. I always do. I have paid more in drycleaning over the years then what the dress has cost me. I love this dress it looks brand new. It has beautiful colors and hidden pockets.
LikeLike
You are a wise woman, Erin, and I thank you endlessly for your utterly inspiring blogging.
LikeLike
Amen and Amen!
LikeLike
When I was near 50 I knew I was losing forever some of what I used to be so vain about. It’s hard to say goodbye to that. Even if you have a good shape for your age you just don’t have “it” anymore. I always heard you get wiser in middle age but now I really believe it. All of a sudden I’m a real bulldog about speaking up and asserting myself which would have really made me just melt even 10 years ago. Now I’m 52 and realize less is better as far as makeup and hair, and some of the flirty clothing I crave but just accept now that it’s for younger ladies and I enjoy seeing it worn well by a young lady who knows how to dress! Now I understand that it’s just a matter of getting used to a new way of thinking about what makes you look good. A really honest perception of yourself is something that is difficult to accept when your looks start to fade, but it makes you look in other places for personal gratificataion if you have a healthy outlook. This is where the going can get tuff if you lack the strength to give a fond farewell to things you have to leave behind.
LikeLike
I completely agree with you Erin. I remember once my friend told me that before she was my friend, she thought that I was cool and interesting because I didn’t dress like evryone else, I had VERY short hair, but I didn’t care. She made me smile. I love the way I look, I love my hair, and I love my crooked nose, and I love that my nose has a bump on it, and I love that I don’t dress like everyone else. I don’t wear makeup, but I like the way I look anyways.
LikeLike
This is brilliant. I love it.
LikeLike
I love the post. I’m 42 and I no longer wear makeup to check the mail. Or shop the fabric store. It’s nice to dress up but it’s even nicer to get up and run around without checking my lipgloss. And I don’t care!
LikeLike
Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.Word McWordy Word.Plus I would rather be thought of as stylish or striking ala Dame Vreeland (or even Laura on PR)then to just be pretty.Most days though, I stick with comfertable….
LikeLike
Hair is about demonstrating to the public that you have taken the trouble to groom. It’s a social thing, showing a certain kind of respect. (I didn’t used to shave at all; now I sometimes do, sometimes don’t.)
LikeLike
Anonymous 5:49, I’m with you on the questions about shaving. Have been wondering similar things myself for years. I’ve got a friend of the 60’s generation. She’s an old hippie, into various natural stuff. But she shaves religiously, and I think has a real hang-up about other things to do with looks, like needing to look thin, and more, too. I keep asking her, “So tell me: Why is it that women are supposed to shave under their arms but men don’t have to?” She never answers. And I think I don’t expect her to. I think I’m just posing the question.I went many years not shaving at all. Now, once in a very long while I do it. Not sure why just trying not to repress any impulse to express self, possibly, even if it (the desire to shave or to be shaven) may originate in cultural pressure.I like your observation about how women’s calves sporting hair are seen by so many to be gross, while the same eyes don’t seem to notice similar hair on the same person’s forearms. Strange, isn’t it?And anonymous 9:35, I’m almost 50 myself. In recent years, I’ve gained several things that I really like about my looks and body that I didn’t have when I was younger. For one, my voice has become deeper and richer and I have a wider and fuller range when I sing. I’m not a trained singer, just do it for myself, and it was lovely to realize that my singing voice had improved with maturity! The second is my hair. It’s always been both very fine and very thin a family trait. Used to be brown, and a little bit wavy. I’ve now been completely grey for four years or so. And with that change came two refinements: now that it’s naturally grey, my hair is also coarser, which apparently does tend to happen; and it’s also much wavier than it was! Which altogether makes it look like I’ve got more hair, rather than less! I’ve now had it cut in a way that suits my hair itself, finally, instead of trying to style it into something different than what it is, as I used to try to do. And I love this hairstyle more than any I’ve had before and have had it for years and will keep it for a long time, I think. And so many people give me compliments on it, even when it’s wildly out of fashion (for hair)! And, thirdly, after a lifetime of avoiding exercise at every turn, I’ve now been working out at a gym for over a year. I’ve been doing it in the interest of my long-term health and mobility, not for looks; but to my surprise and pleasure I now have a nicely balanced, more curvy shape than I’ve *ever* had before even as a quite young woman! No one ever warned me that we while may *lose* some things with age, we may also gain others that make us like our own bodies more than we ever did! What a gift!So we have lots of reason to keep our chins up. Even when they’re double, or triple …
LikeLike
Pretty is so often boring as well.And as for the leggings thing, I like leggings. I think theyre practical and comfortable, and i mostly wear them when its cold or rainy but I still want feel, uh..pretty and so I wear a dress, with leggings underneath.But they have to be below calf length please. Ankle length is preferable.
LikeLike
(Throws roses in Erin’s general direction.)
LikeLike
Thank you so much for writing this wonderful entry. I’ve never heard this said better, or as succinctly. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear these ideas articulated so clearly and eloquently.
LikeLike
Speaking as a man, may I just say that over the years some of the most irresistable women I’ve met are the ones who obviously don’t give a damn about what people, particularly men, think of them.Ladies, wear whatever the hell you want. The only person you will scare away is your future ex-husband.
LikeLike
Oracle, and everybody Carolyn Heilbrun wrote a book about her unexpected discovery that her sixties were a wonderful decade The Last Gift of Time; Life Beyond Sixty Time for me to reread it, but the reason I remember why her sixties were good to her was (mostly new) women friends of all ages. I read it to look forward to the future.And flipping to a passage I marked”The major danger in one’s sixties… is to become trapped in one’s body and one’s habits, not to recognize those supposedly sedate years as the time to discover new choices and to act upon them.”Oracle, congratulations on your discoveries of changes that enrich your life.
LikeLike
1) This is one of the wisest things I’ve read on appearance ever and I agree with every element of it.2) As much as ‘prettiness’ may be tied to youth, I cannot be swayed from the opinion that before the age of 22, I had no concept of what flattered me, what I was comfortable in, and how to play up or play down my best & worst features. I’m also of the opinion that given the deep need to conform & the similarity in appearance (clothing-wise) of the teenagers I see, that most women have the same issues. That is, you can’t tell me that every 15-19 year old wearing jean skirts and leggings honestly believes this is the most flattering, fashionable combo for her body type & age.3) I enjoy dressing up, wearing pretty dresses with fun tights & sexy boots. It generally reflects my contentedness with myself & my appearance. When I’m tired or overwhelmed, that’s when I break out the all black ensemble and almost hide behind my clothes. In conclusion, wonderful, wise, amazing post that succintly sums up everything I feel about appearance.f
LikeLike
Bravo.I do hate leggings, though. 🙂
LikeLike
I would argue though, that for some people, you do have an obligation to be pretty. Maybe by not prettying yourself up you are making someone very unhappy, and if all Americans are supposed to be given the right to happiness wouldn’t that mean that you are infringing on their rights by going out in public looking like crap?In another view point it seems pretty selfish to only look a certain way because it makes you happy when visually speaking, the way you look to other people determines a lot of their happiness or just generally well-being. And if considered enough, your happiness rests on how you look when other people don’t exactly treat you with respect or decency because of your lack of caring in your apperance, for example.I honestly believe that people should make an effort to look good. Who isn’t happy when someone is pretty, including themself?
LikeLike
Erin, another amen from me. I was at least 20 before I ‘dared’ to go outside without everything done just as my proper Southern mother had taught me. I’m still a very put-together type of person, but it’s freeing to know that I don’t always *have* to be.Julie, I would say plenty of people aren’t happy when they’re pretty (whatever that may be) – if you feel that weight of restriction, that fear of being judged and found wanting, then you’re not very happy. Instead, you’re caught in a role which you didn’t choose and don’t particularly want, that of being an object for other people’s desires and expectations.
LikeLike
Speaking mostly as a recovering anorexic here, brava. I’ve finally figured out that I don’t owe it to anybody to be skinny, to wear makeup or stylish clothes, to wear a bra…not even my boyfriend! I’m a lot happier now. Thank you for posting this.
LikeLike
Minaw, that was lovely. Thanks. And I’ll look out for that book.
LikeLike
Julie: there are those of us who will never be ‘pretty’ as the world sees it, no matter what we do to ourselves — the very overweight, or the just plain plain. As far as I see it, I’m under no obligation to dress myself in clothes that cause literal agony just to look a couple of pounds smaller, or wear shoes that make me unable to walk just to look a bit taller, or wear makeup that smells, itches, and doesn’t really improve my looks anyway just to attempt to get approval from a world that probably won’t give it anyway. I’d prefer to be comfortable and happy, and if I’m not pretty, who cares? I think people I work with, my friends, etc. would rather I were comfortable both in myself and what I wore than dolled up and in extreme pain.
LikeLike
Amen sister! This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, since all the “pretty” shoes that I want to wear with my skirts and dresses have heels. Flats are not flattering to me, but I would rather that my legs look short and chunky than that my knees and feet hurt and be damaged for the rest of my life. I did find a really cute pair of Earth shoes with a ankle strap and big toe box, though.
LikeLike
there’s a great blog that focuses on pretty comfort shoes. http://www.barkingdogshoes.com/
LikeLike
I just have to post that I feel the opposite from most of these commenters about “What not to Wear” – I LOVE that show, and I don’t think it squelches people’s personalities at all, in fact the opposite. The show’s main emphasis is on finding clothes that fit your body and embrace the look you want, not hiding your curves under baggy t-shirts and hiding your personality with black. The ‘before’ looks are usually results of people giving up on their looks. I just love how the people’s self confidence and image of themselves goes WAY up after they learn how to buy clothes that fit them. I know this sort of is an opposite point from this discussion, but my boyfriend tells me every day that he thinks I’m beautiful, whether I look my worst or my best. It took a long time before I really believed him, but it makes such a difference! Every man should remember to say that once a day to his lady, but they might need to be taught.
LikeLike
Well, I do believe we have an obligation as human beings, both men and women, to be clean and well-groomed in most situations. It shows pride in ourselves and respect for our fellow humans. I don’t believe, though, that we’re obligated to be what the world defines as pretty. I have a plain face and short stubby legs so pretty would require major plastic surgery. The problem is when people like me, or people who have lost that first glow of youth, start to think “pretty is so far out of reach, why even bother?!” and start going out in public in the T-shirt/leggings/flip-flops/just-out-of -bed hair. That’s when Queer Eye or What Not To Wear needs to get on our cases! In any event, movie-star pretty is rare, but beauty is all around us, even in the homeliest of people. So we’ve all “got it.” Except for the sad souls who destroy their own beauty through mean-spiritedness.
LikeLike
I’ve always just thought I was “okay”. My features don’t match the cultural standards of “beauty”. Days I’m feeling badly, I look in the mirror and don’t think I look good; days I’m feeling energetic and hopeful about life, I look in the mirror and really like what I look like. The people who love me think I’m beautiful. I think they really see me. That’s all I need!
LikeLike
I don’t have much to add besides my own thanks for another funny, thoughtful, moving post. And the comment (which I don’t think has been made) that I LOVE the accompanying photo. What a great, gorgeous, interesting face! What a staunch character! (Another possibly appropriate image that’s been on my mind – though not fashion-y – is Graciela Iturbide’s famous shot of the woman with iguanas on her head.) We should all age so well, in our own style, of course.
LikeLike
pretty is garbage. so is following a trend. i am all about personal style. when i buy a piece of clothing, i think: “can i wear this in ten years?”
LikeLike
Here because of Mandy…Thank you for such a thoughtful posting – lately I’ve felt like I was somehow letting the team down by not always doing pretty. Apparently I forgot I had options!
LikeLike
“Let me take that one step further. We don’t OWE anyone a smile, either. Some men, in particular, seem to be weirdly offended if a woman doesn’t smile at them, and will demand that we do so. This is all part of the same continuum as what you’ve discussed here.”Anon, I am sooo with you on that. I live in DC and do a lot of walking and am so SICK of men thinking I owe them a pleasant smile and a good morning.Thanks for the post Erin, loved it.
LikeLike
Ugh! I feel you on that… I’m from New York, and guys get offended when they pay me a compliment and I don’t smile or stop to converse. I thank them and move on, because I’m probably late to work already.
That some people think that them noticing your aesthetic appeal merits you stopping your day to hear what they have to say is really annoying. Some guys ask you out, and if you say no they get violent or cry. Am I really gonna risk that when I’m already late to work? No.
Also, guys who follow you until they pluck up the courage to talk to you. It’s happened to me three times. They think they’re the meek, underdog protagonist, trying to think up the perfect words to make me fall for his meek, underdog charm. All I know is that some fucking creep has been following me or four blocks and there’s no one around. By the time they catch up to me, I’m too stressed out to be receptive. Fuck that.
LikeLike
I’ll play Devil’s Advocate here (since no-one else appears to have):If we lived in a society that was apollonian in its self restraint and discipline, that had the kind of tightly-wound concern for community, that, say makes Japanese dramas about individual crises so powerful, your whole essay would be a badly-wanted breath of fresh air.But we don’t. “Do your own thing” or “I just want to be comfortable (ugh) are our by-words. So, no, I hope that other people will take into consideration what effect their clothes will have on the people around them, and will use mature judgment: Is this appropriate to my age, and to the setting? Will other people find it distressing or unfortunate or improper? And so on.Costume is a social act and our society wants mannerliness rather more than it wants for self-expression.That said, “Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”. –?Is golden.
LikeLike
I just got my driver’s license renewed a couple of days ago. The picture is one of the best that’s ever been taken of me. Instead of looking washed-out, my skin is golden, and my hair looks great, and my eyes aren’t so squinty as they usually look.No fancy hairstyle, no make-up, and (while it doesn’t show in the driver’s-license photo) no panty hose. Just me, bare-faced, wearing an old chenille sweater and — yup — leggings, over unshaved legs.What has changed for me is attitude. I don’t feel so much like I have to make myself meet someone else’s standard of attractiveness. I’ve also been working out and getting more outdoor activity — for me, not for somebody else. That makes the difference.
LikeLike