Secret Lives of Pants, #1

ugly pants

I thought that I was destined for higher things. Really, looking back on it now, I don't know why I thought that, but I did. I'm not even sure what I meant by "higher things," even. A hat? That would have been higher.

I know I didn't expect to never fit. I mean, I never fit ANYBODY. I must have been passed on to ten women, maybe twelve … and nobody was happy. I was too baggy in the thighs on one; too loose in the waist on another; indistinguishable from a sausage casing on the third. Too short, too long, too liable to ride up in embarrassing ways: if I could be uncomfortable, I was. It's not that I meant to; I really didn't. It's just what I was.

The worst part, though, was what they called me. Did you know that there are people in this world who use the word "pants" to mean something is ludicrously terrible? "That film was utter pants." "Slacks" is also just plain awful. Why "slacks"? Why not "sharps"? "I think I'll put on a pair of slacks." You might as well say "I think I'll go shoot myself in the foot." Pantaloons? Loony. Knickers? What a horse does. Britches? "You betchure." Breeches? Once more into the breeches, my friends. Trousers? You've got to be kidding me. TROOOOOOW-zers. Just say it a few times, you'll see. I prefer "nether garment" myself, but, of course, nobody asked me. Hardly anyone even tried me on more than once, so we didn't get to the "what should I call you" stage.

I haven't given up hope, though. Somebody picked me up in a thrift store (I have sunk so low, I admit it) the other day. When she stopped laughing, she held me up to her friend. "I think I can do something with this," she said.

"What, violate non-proliferation agreements?" (Her friend was holding a chartreuse batwing sweater, so I don't know where she found room to talk.)

"No — what if I did that jeans-to-skirt thing?"

Her friend stopped, considering. "Well, that COULD be cute … and if not, there's always turning it into a tote bag. Your mom would love it."

So that's what I'm waiting for now. To be a tote bag. Or maybe (oh please!) a skirt. Being a skirt wouldn't be completely pants, would it?

23 thoughts on “Secret Lives of Pants, #1

  1. You always crack me up. I love reading your blog. And getting to look at the wonderful patterns is also excellent.


  2. twice a year a bunch of the wild women and crazy ladies clean our closets. then we get together and trade our clothes. Some clothes are coveted, and some have much fun made of them. This pants story is so totally something we would say. I love it.


  3. ROTFL!!! You are hilarious! I am dying to know if these stories just pour out of you like water, or if you have to think about them for a while and let the form. You have such a talent. Thank you for sharing it with us.


  4. Oh, wait, I read the swimsuit dialog BEFORE this one and now I don’t know which is funnier, although the swimsuit dialog is funnier PER WORD.


  5. lol, i don’t know why but i was being totally dense and didn’t get what was going on in this post until the pit about “never fitting anybody” lol I really am blonde sometimes. This is very funny…more things like this please!


  6. I remember when I was in Junior High, my Mom brought home a pair of cut-offs from Goodwill and made me a bag from them. The fabric was printed with the Coca-Cola script logo in big, alternating red and white squares. I didn’t like the fabric and refused to carry it.A couple of months later, this girl who was continually picked on showed up to school in identical, precut-off Coca-Cola pants. She was harassed mercilessly. But, I was amazed that I had seen the same weird pants twice.


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