I was lucky enough to attend a lovely, lovely wedding yesterday. The bride and groom were glowing with happiness; their families and friends were there to support them and share their joy; and the bride chose (and wore with élan) a perfectly suitable and elegantly simple gown.
I was also pleased to see how many people were following the rules for dresses at weddings (that is, rules for the dresses that are not the Wedding Dress–the Wedding Dress has its own rules that are beyond the scope of this blog). However, seeing so many people dressed beautifully and appropriately reminded me of the many weddings I've attended where many were not, so here is a refresher for those who need it.
One: do not wear black. I can hear somebody whining that she only has one nice dress, and it NEEDS to be black because she has to wear it on New Year's Eve, and besides, black is slimming. I am not listening to you. You do not wear black to weddings. You do not wear black to weddings because wearing black at weddings means you disapprove of the marriage. You do not wear black to weddings because someday, god forbid, you might actually WANT to wear black to a wedding in order to show your disapproval and your deep grief over somebody's ill-advised nuptials, and no one will know that this is what you intended because there will be a roomful of women in LBDs dancing barefoot to "We Are Family" and your grand gesture will be for naught. MARK MY WORDS. (Besides, black is BOR-ing. And not as slimming as you might think.) Black and white prints are allowable if they would be unsuitable for a funeral.
Two: do not wear red. Wearing red is an attention-grabber, and it is rude to try to take attention from the bride. (A corollary of the "do not wear red" rule is "do not wear dresses cut down to (or slit up to) THERE".) This rule goes double for the groom's ex-girlfriends. This rule goes triple for the groom's ex-girlfriends who are there as the "and Guest" of somebody else.
Three: do I even have to tell you not to wear white? And yes, ivory, candlelight, pale shell pink, and pearl grey all count as white. Better safe than sorry. If you have to ask why you can't wear white, you are no longer allowed to attend any weddings at all. If you are the mother of the groom and you wear white or a whitish shade, you will not be allowed to ask "why? why?" when the newlyweds move someplace you need a visa to visit.
Four: if you are wearing a dress with spaghetti straps or no straps at all, or one that is far enough off the shoulder to need special undergarments, AND the ceremony is in a place of worship, please bring a shawl, a wrap, or something to cover up with. Yes, I know that God doesn't care, but churches are usually cold (it's all the stone) and goosebumps are unbecoming.
The general idea is that a wedding is NOT simply a fancy party to which you wear your fancy-party clothes; a wedding is a wedding, and it has its own rules. (However — if you are a bridesmaid, and the bride asks you to break any of these rules, you suck it up and say "yes, whatever you like, it's your day." Without eye-rolling where she can see you.)
Now I can hear that same somebody asking, "Well, what CAN I wear?" Weddings, especially summer afternoon weddings, are the place to wear dresses. A simple sheath in a bright color or print is nearly always flattering, appropriate, and pretty. An A-line or full-skirted dress will be a pleasure to wear while dancing. (I myself use nearly every wedding as an excuse to sew a new dress–if they care enough to invite me, I should make my best effort, shouldn't I?) Summer weddings are one of the last places where a frivolously pretty dress is recommended, if not required — why ruin it by crowding out the dresses with sparkly cocktail gowns and business suits? They have their own turf.
A Dress A Day 
Isn’t the most basic rule that whatever the couple thinks is okay goes? At least half the weddings I’ve been to had brides encouraging the wearing of black.And if the bride isn’t in white, is it still bad form for a guest to wear it?
LikeLike
I always held to the no black rule. Then at my nephew’s wedding this fall I was told that the rule no longer applied. 90% of the women wore black. The bride didn’t care, had never heard of the rule. I wore navy.
LikeLike
I am with you on everything but the no black rule. Which I get, but…I am not spending money on a dress (and I NEVER wear dresses) or formal-ish outfit that is not some form of black. I just can’t do it.
LikeLike
That’s exactly how I am. I mostly wear black. Why should I spend the money on a colorful dress that I will NEVER wear again? I understand where she is coming from. By times have changes and black looks well on everyone and it matches everything
LikeLike
I know I’m fighting a retrograde action against the no-black thing. But I still think that, unless you have written dispensation from the couple, the rule should still apply. And even if the bride is in royal purple, it’s probably a good idea to hold off on the white. Because it just seems like it would be too much like a bad sitcom plot if someone got confused … I understand not wanting to spend money on something you wouldn’t wear, but perhaps a nice classic dressy suit in a non-black color? Just think about it. You’ll get more wear out of it than you think, I promise.
LikeLike
I know this is late, but: What about wearing your black dress with a bright (but not too bright) jacket, shawl, hat, shoes – well, not all of them, pick maybe 2 – this will remove the dress from “funeral,” and colorful accessories are not so difficult to wear other places, even you wear mostly dark/neutral for the actual clothes. And a shawl/stole and shoes don’t need to cost nearly what a well-fitting dress can!
LikeLike
I totally agree with you about the red thing — I’d add another — BRIGHT GREEN! My boss’s “girlfriend” (read, girl 25 years younger than he is) wore chartreuse green to the wedding. She totally stands out in all the photos. We had a small wedding, 50 people or so, and the photographer had a GREAT idea of having a group shot, all of us on the steps of the Rotunda — well, this chippy in the green, I swear, I got more comments from friends when I gave them their picture about that awful green!
LikeLike
Lori anderson designs – you are a smart cookie — hit those pics with photoshop!My FIL’s girlfriend wore a purple crochet peek-a-boo number which haunts a couple of our photos. fortunately that’s all that’s left of her.
LikeLike
Erin – I do have a dressy suit in brown and BLACK, ellen tracy…
LikeLike
I’ve always wondered, though, about the no-black rule when it comes to Jewish weddings. The funeral thing doesn’t enter into it — we tear our clothes for mourning, we don’t necessarily wear black. So why should black represent anything in particular at a Jewish wedding?
LikeLike
Perhaps black doesn’t signify the same thing at Jewish weddings … I’ll have to ask around. I’ve only been to two Jewish weddings, and at one I was much too concerned with keeping my hat straight to notice whether people were wearing black!
LikeLike
Hats are lovely at weddings. I think you should make a rule that we MUST wear hats at weddings. I hope you have rules for dressing at work as I really have a THING about armpits and sandals at the office…
LikeLike
Believe me, there would be many many new rules if I were Queen of All Things Sartorial. Of course, they’d all boil down to one rule, which would be “care about what you wear” … sort of like how all the rules for my little boy boil down to “be kind”.
LikeLike
I couldn’t disagree more! At the black tie wedding I went to last month, nearly all the women (and men, of course) were in black. It’s hard for me to imagine another color at a black tie that wouldn’t look tacky. Black is common enough now that it’s an unusual bride who takes offense; it is flattering; and it’s rewearable.
LikeLike
Black-tie weddings have their own rules … they’re so rare, comparatively, that I didn’t call them out as exceptions.
LikeLike
I went to an evening formal wedding a couple months ago where I wore a black and red cheongsam, thus breaking *both* color rules you mention. But I see I’ve been exonerated with the black-tie wedding caveat mentioned here at the bottom. Whew! Here’s a pic, although I have to say it photographed just *wretchedly*.http://www.chernobylred.com/wedding.jpg–Lydia
LikeLike
I do so love cheongsams. I think they always get a pass. I think I have three … plus a cheongsam blouse I made in sushi-print fabric.
LikeLike
I think I love you. Thank you so much for posting this. Wedding guest attire is one of my pet peeves. I hope you don’t mind that I reposted it in my journal (with proper credit given and a link to your site).
LikeLike
I went to two weddings last summer — one was in a church and I wore a pink and black A-line shift dress. I didn’t feel that I stood out, and my boyfriend’s mother said it was appropriate (I was with my guy at his cousin’s nuptials).Another one I attended was outside, a very small, informal gathering, and for that I wore my absolute favorite dress — purple and white striped bias seersucker, full skirt, V-neck, waist detail. I have a picture of it here (I’m in the middle): http://www.flickr.com/photos/chickey/32300067/in/set-719506/It's so fabulous. But I need to start looking for other summer wedding appropriate dresses this year — I have FOUR to go to already!
LikeLike
I know I am a year late in commenting on this – but THANK YOU. Black at a wedding is one of my top pet peeves. It’s this simple – as long as we are still wearing black to funerals, then, it’s not an appropriate color for a wedding. We only have so many social rituals left – let’s cherish what remains – is it really such a hardship to own one dressy outfit that is not black? In fact, the next dressy event you go to, wear a color – you will get compliments all night and look like a peacock among the crows.
LikeLike
Hi I need some advice I’m tall so some dresses that fit other people decently tend to be too short on me. The wedding starts at 2:00 pm, the dress is black with white stripes, with a spaghetti strap that ties around the neck. I told the bride that my dress will be blackand also about the spaghetti and she was fine with it. what do you thinkthanks a lot
LikeLike
If the bride says “okay”, who am I to say “nay”?
LikeLike
I think it is perfectly fine for the mother of the groom to wear black especially if it is a white and black wedding. I think you are old fashioned to even consider not wearing black!
LikeLike
Rules, rules, who comes up with all these rules. I do agree that what you say were the rules. But now peoples are more relaxed and practical. Most of the weddings I have attended in the last few years have female guest in black. Especially the younger guest. Men are the most dressed up in black, why not women? I think black draws the least amount of attention than a lot of other colors. And when I die, please don’t think you have to wear black, wear what makes you feel good and looks the best on you. After all, both of these occasions should be celebrations!
LikeLike
I’ve recently been to a wedding where the bridesmaids were wearing BLACK. Completely black gowns…yewww
LikeLike
I am going to a wedding Oct. 21, late afternoon and I am wearing a black lace dress w/ 3/4 length sleeves it is the best thing I have seen out there fashionwise; hope no one is offended. It does not look like a dress for a funeral…maybe I will use a fallish colored shawl w/ it; black heels w/diamonds on toes. Conservative but chic… I think; now I am concerned
LikeLike
Yeah, let’s just all do “whatever makes us feel good”, Come on! Erin, I’m with you sister! Black at weddings-wasn’t that the beginning of the fall of the Roman Empire? What’s next? Flip flops are O.K. as long as they have sequins on them? It is the couple’s day and one shows respect for the couple and the reverence of the event by showing up appropriately dressed-it’s not about you! One honestly couldn’t use a decent-looking colored ensemble for church, a tea party social, one of your children’s school plays/functions, a special date night? To me, this is the woman’s version of the man’s “every man should own a black suit and a brown one” rule.
LikeLike
Thanks for the rules! I never wear black to weddings, but when I was very young, I once wore a white dress (I didn’t have a mother or friend to tell me I was wrong). No comment was made by anyone at the wedding, but I was told by a co-worker the next day that it was wrong. Haven’t made that mistake again.I have worn red, though; I didn’t know it was a faux pas. I’m partial to red dresses – if I had a choice of a dress in different colors, I would always pick the red one.
LikeLike
i know black doesn’t apply,but i’ll take any color or dress that will fit me. i haven’t worn a dress since 1996. i know thats pretty pathetic. i wear scrubs all day,i better get moving on this one. lol wedding is in june. ps my size is petite & shoe size is 5 man am i in trouble…
LikeLike
I am attending a Catholic wedding of a close friend from high school. As the years have passed, we have grown apart. Surprise surprise. Now deciding what is appropriate is a nightmare. I have nice summer/spring dresses but none for winter/fall. I have this simple, no strap, right below the knee length dress that I was considering throwing a belt and a shawl/cami over. But here’s the catch. It’s a blue. Kinda sky blue, very pretty with my blue eyes. But is this too much? Blue, it stands out. But I was going to put black pumps, black belt, black clutch and black shawl or cami with it to tone it down. Does this work!? The wedding is at 6:30 pm. PLEASE HELP!?–ashlee
LikeLike
Ashlee, good luck! I think a pale blue dress is pretty in winter, and of course black accessories are fine. The only thing I would be concerned about is bare shoulders in church — not only because you’ll be cold, but because more traditional Catholic churches require you to be covered up. If you have a little sweater, you should be fine.Have fun!
LikeLike
From a brides perspective: when my husband and I were married two years ago, the very last thing on my mind was whether the female guests were respecting us (or the rules) sufficiently in what they chose to wear…the fact that people we loved came together from all over the country to help us celebrate was far, far more meaningful and powerful. Thinking back, there were black and even whitish-hued dresses in the crowd, but it never occurred to me to be miffed. I am definitely on the dress-nerd side myself, but we invited our guests so we could have them around us, not their outfits.
LikeLike
Wow! I’m getting married in 10 days in a very informal backyard sort of wedding and I came across this blog somehow when searching for wedding-related something or another! I don’t think I really would’ve noticed what anyone was wearing and if it was out there.. but now I’m afraid I’ll spend all my time analyzing everyone’s outfits, just because that’s the kind of person I am.
LikeLike
Hi There,I am attending a wedding this saturday and i bought a white dress with gold pin stripes,it is stapless and comes down past my knees and is scuffled at the front which i can tie up…. now my best friend and my boyfriend thinks that i should be able to wear it and that i look good in it. But keeping to the rules – I don’t know what to wear now???!!! HELP
LikeLike
If you don’t look like a bride, it should be okay … try to downplay the bride-i-ness of it.
LikeLike
Hi, I bought a white sundress to wear to a wedding it has flower inprints in it but the dress is entire dress is white… even the ribbon which ties into a bow around my dress..the dress comes right about even with my knees… I was wondering if it would be ok?? Should I wear a longer brown beaded necklace or should I buy a new colored ribbon to tie around the dress??? HELP I don’t know what to do?
LikeLike
If the whole dress is white (even if it has a white-on-white pattern) I would NOT wear it to a wedding. If you’re comfortable with it or know the bride would be comfortable with it, then go ahead, but I would find something else. And no, a different-colored ribbon would not be enough, for me.
LikeLike
Oh, I am so happy that customs, traditions and good taste have not entirely disappeared. I would never dream of wearing white, ivory, red or black to a wedding. It’s tacky beyond belief. Just because a bride has never heard of rules, does not mean that I will not abide by them. To the person who said that a black tie wedding cannot be anything else but black and white: Where did you come up with this idea? Black tie, also known as a dinner jacket, refers to the gentleman’s attire. He is the only one who is restricted to black and white. For a lady, black tie means a long evening gown (not a ballgown, those are reserved for white tie events) which can come in many different colors. Of course, in this day and age, people attend black tie evening weddings in black trousers and a wool pullover. I have seen it myself, otherwise, I would not have believed it.
LikeLike
Thank you, yes! This.
LikeLike
Attending a wedding Sept. 8th. Wedding party will be in black with pink sashes. Favorite color of bride and MOB is BLACK. They prefer guests to wear black. Follow rules or make bride happy????
LikeLike
I have to attend a wedding soon. It’s in August, and I’ve chosen about 3 different outfits in 2 months, which is kind of annoying my mum because I keep buying new things as people keep telling me different things about what you’re supposed to wear. It’s my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding, and I don’t want to annoy his family either, obviously. But at the moment I’m wondering if a white gypsy skirt with black flowers is ok. Maybe with a black strap top? I’m very short of money at the moment and a bit confused :(Could someone please help me lots by telling me that a black strap top would be fine and that I shouldn’t be getting so worried :)Thankyouuuu!!
LikeLike
If it’s your boyfriend’s brother’s wedding, I’d casually ask his mother what she thinks most people will wear. Black-and-white is USUALLY okay, but there’s a lot I don’t know. How skimpy is the top? What time of day and where is the wedding? Is his family very religious? Once you have those questions answered you will feel more comfortable, I’m sure.
LikeLike
Thankyou Erin!I’m very grateful for your advice.I’ll ask her. They are religious, but I’m sure they won’t mind as long as I ask :DI haven’t met the bride to be yet so I don’t particularly want to get off on a bad start :)thanks again :)Holly.
LikeLike
The black rule I think, is a little staid and would depend on the situation. If people are wearing dark colors to a wedding then, suddenly wearing a light color would make one stand out. I think whatever one wears should be tied to the time of the year (i.e. you wouldn’t wear a bright green and pink number in winter.) But with photoshop now, one can dull or enhance the color of a person, heck you could even change the color of the gown if it bugs someone so much. That might be a bit drastic but, eh.The thing I don’t really care about color so much. It is only the level of formality like is when people show up in jeans to a wedding where they know the crowd is going to be more formal or wear an outfit that reveals just a bit too much. My, this is just one
LikeLike
Are we living in the 1950’s where all these stupid rules still apply? I don’t think so. You can’t wear black, you can’t wear red…WHO CARES? The couple just want you to be there and as long as you don’t take the spotlight away from the bride…what’s the big deal?
LikeLike
I guess this bears the next question, can you still NOT wear white after Labor Day? I think this is the same kind of question. From what I’ve heard, wearing white after labor day is OK now. So why isn’t wearing red, purple, black, white, green, etc. to a wedding not ok? My question is…what CAN you wear to a wedding? I just bought this great little wrap dress that’s black and white and it’s perfect. It does not stand out at all. I guess it’s a matter of how “proper” the couple is that’s getting married. If I wear a black dress to a wedding and someone says something…they obviously have TOO much time on their hands if they’re worrying about what a guest is wearing.
LikeLike
Wedding Rules? Those will change depending on whose wedding it is. We are long past the days of “wedding rules” as weddings become less and less traditional and more personal. Most these rules were based on superstition and the long lost past. Less importantly then color i think the advice should be to dress appropriate to the type of wedding… is it a Traditional, Non Traditional, Evening, Outdoor, whatever? Point being YES you can wear black to a wedding. This is some of the most outdated fashion advice I have seen in a long time.
LikeLike
Uhm..no black dresses at weddings went out with the dark ages…Get with it. It’s been acceptable to wear for the past 20 years. If the bride can wear black, if her attendants can wear black..so therefore can an person attending the event…
LikeLike
I just got married two weeks ago. I took my veil off mid-reception and my mother wore my veil for about 30 minutes until a bridesmaid saw this tragic event a gave it back to me. I say anyone can wear black, white, yellow, green, or red, but VEILS are unacceptable! OBVIOUSLY!
LikeLike
I really appreciate the advice provided here. I’ve known the rule about black at weddings for some time; I just found about red and white but didn’t know the rationales until I read this post. I would never wear black to a wedding; sometimes it’s more important to be considerate than to indulge one’s own desires. There are so many other colors to choose from, and so many kinds of dresses, that there’s no excuse for being stubborn about wearing black, red, or white. Besides, weddings are announced far enough in advance to give women time to look for flattering dresses that won’t offend anyone’s sensibilities.
LikeLike
what about a black dress with a beige/tan/salmon little floral pattern over it?
LikeLike
I feel like this battle will never be won by anyone. Just last weekend I attended my friend Susan’s wedding, which was held during the day, outside, at a restaurant in Tarrytown, New York. I had planned to wear a very cute, ivory-colored dress that hit at the knee and had very little embellishment, until Deb Puchalla, editor of Everyday Food (our sister publication), told me that it is unacceptable to wear white to someone else’s wedding. I decided to poll the office; overwhelmingly, everyone seemed to share Deb’s sentiment. But I still wasn’t satisfied.I checked several etiquette books and found that the answer varies depending on whom you ask. Emily Post (17th edition) says white and black are fine to wear, but the fabric and cut of a white dress shouldn’t be bridal at all. In the end, I think that any color goes. With weddings today, some rules can be seen as inspiration, allowing you to personalize and go with what you think feels right-whether you’re the bride, groom, or guest. But remember there are many people who still frown upon wearing black or white, even red, though there’s been no mention of red in the etiquette books I’ve looked in. They may give you looks, and you may become the talk of the town, but if you can handle the scrutiny, then go for it.As for me, I wore the ivory dress I had planned to wear. I knew Susan was going to wear a long, ivory gown and veil, so I wasn’t afraid I’d be confused for her; then again, I did joke with my husband that I might be bombarded by angry bloggers once I posted the photo of me in ivory. If people were talking about me, I don’t know, but I had a great time, and I know Susan wasn’t offended. And isn’t that what really matters, anyway?-Darcy Miller, The Bride’s Guide
LikeLike
I wouldn’t wear white or mostly white without the OK of the bride. Unless you know what her dress is like, don’t assume that yours will be different. My wedding dress was a tea-length (just below the knee) white shirt dress out of translucent silk organza with ivory embroidery, worn over a white slip dress. Wedding dresses aren’t necessarily long or plain white (or even white for that matter), so if you’re not sure about your outfit, ask someone close to the bride for advice.
LikeLike