Here are five fashion rules I will go to my grave promulgating:
- You may wear watches made by WATCH COMPANIES ONLY. That means made by a company that primarily makes watches, or at least jewelry. Licensed watches are BAD, I don't care how fancy they are. So this means that, to me, a Timex watch is better than a Chanel one. I am particularly fond of Swatch and Hamilton, and these Frank Gehry watches for Fossil. Cartier is okay, I GUESS.
(That part about Cartier — you knew it was sarcasm, right? Good.)
- Any metal parts on a shoe, belt, or handbag should be completely and utterly without a logo. Yes, I mean Ferragamo and Gucci, too. I'm not a fan of the overt leather or fabric logo bags, either, but I understand some people are. If you have to wear a logo bag, it goes without saying that it must be genuine (not so much for the intellectual property issues — unlogo-ed style "homages" are fine, in my opinion — but because of the human misery that goes into their production and transport. Funnily enough, I find that people who say they like the "style" of a bag somehow aren't as interested in the knockoff without that logo … ).
- If you tug on an item more than once while getting ready to go out, you're not allowed to leave the house in it. Life's too short to wear something uncomfortable or ill-fitting. See this dress? Not only is it so tacky that Elmer's wants it for a new glue, you couldn't walk a step without adjusting it. If you were lucky enough to have a chance to adjust it before the inevitable "wardrobe malfunction." Definitely can't leave the house in this one.
- If you chose to wear the shoes, you're not allowed to complain about them. If masked bandits broke into your home and forced you into those 4-inch stilettos at gunpoint, fine, bitch away. If you're going to suffer for your shoes, suffer in silence. Me and my two-and-a-half inchers don't want to hear about it. I also don't want to hear "they'll be fine once I break them in!" when it's obvious that you aren't breaking in the shoes, the shoes are breaking YOU in. That's just Shoe Stockholm Syndrome. [Image unavailable.]
- If it looks like it something that normally has a function, it should function. This means, much like a Dapper Dan toy, all buttons button, all snaps snap, all zippers must zip and all ties must tie. Want something with corset lacing? Why not have it actually lace? I also prefer that buckles actually buckle, but understand and accept the long tradition of decorative buckles.
Aren't you glad my commission as Fashion Admiral hasn't yet come through?
I don't really have any Fashion Week content today, except that I inadvertently walked by Bryant Park yesterday. There were a lot of big white tents. Whoot! I promise, Fashion Week content tomorrow.