Luckily (?) sexism is not a one-day-a-year thing so I guess I'm safe to blog a day late. The rest of the carnival-whatever is here.
Of course, I've had an exceptionally lucky and privileged life when it comes to feeling the effects of overt sexism. (I think the only time I was knowingly denied a job for being female was when I had a short-lived desire to be an altar server in the fifth grade.) Nobody's ever told me to my face that I couldn't do something I really wanted to because of my gender. That's not because sexism doesn't exist — that's because I'm lucky (and quite possibly too obtuse to pick up on subtle hints).
But there's one thing that bugs me — more a peeve, really. Especially now that I've become such a dress advocate. What is it? It's when guys come up to me and say "I like it when women wear dresses."
What?
Come again?
Now, you might think this is a quibble, because, hey, I like it when women wear dresses. Actually, no — I like it when a woman — one specific woman, one at a time — comes up to me and tells me she ENJOYS wearing dresses. That is, I like it when I meet someone who shares my love of wearing dresses. I like it that someone else is enjoying something I think is enjoyable, not that an ENTIRE GENDER is conforming to my aesthetic ideal.
You might also say, "Hey, Erin, aren't there things that guys wear that you like?" And sure, I'd say. I love Jack Purcells so I know if I meet a guy wearing those that I will probably admire his taste. I know if a guy has a kickass messenger bag we could probably have an incredibly geeky gadget-stowing conversation (one that will probably last much longer than necessary), and I also enjoy the occasional ironic t-shirt. (I also have a strange attraction to Adidas Sambas, but that's just a leftover from having gone to high school in the 1980s.) But all these things are about making a connection with an individual based on mutual appreciation for an object.
But there's something about "I like it when women wear dresses" that completely irks me. Who knows, maybe it's the hangover from thousands of years of patriarchy, or a reminder that wearing dresses used to be an obligation, not a choice, but it just gives me the sneaking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, this is someone who might not see women as 100% belonging to the human race. Maybe it's because substituting almost anything else for the "wear dresses" part of the "I like it when women wear dresses" statement seems hinky. (Try it yourself. The only one I felt okay with was "I like it when women run for public office," and even that one felt weird.)
I am almost certainly overthinking this, I know. But just to be safe, if you're tempted to say something like this (for the ten guys who read this blog) how about substituting "I really like your dresses." Or "That's a great dress!" But not, under any circumstances "I wish my [wife/girlfriend/significant other/mother] wore dresses." (That one's really creepy.)
And this is certainly not a pressing ill that must be remedied before women can achieve full equality, but hey, this is a dress blog and I have to stay on topic!
This picture is from the marvelous Plan59. Go visit!
A Dress A Day 
Yeah, this seems to go along with men’s praise for high heels. “I like it when women wear high heels…so that their calf muscles are strained, their chests are pushed out, and they are easily pushed over.” If a toppled Barbie isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
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Hmm, as much as I do understand your point, you really are overthinking this I think…I really have no problem with men who appreciate women looking feminine…Don’t worry so much about the wording…How about celebrating gender differences? After all, we KNOW we are the smarter sex….
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It bothers you, it seems to me, because “I like it when women wear dresses.” is clearly a normative claim, translatable, without loss of meaning, to “Women should wear dresses.” This would be so offensive, on so many levels, that we have a hard time imagining men running around telling women “Women should wear dresses.” But somehow it is okay if the claim is disguised as a compliment. One of the ways in which sexism disguises itself is by being complimentary and therefore beneficent. (Who, after all, doesn’t want to be complimented?)
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I enjoyed this blog. There is a definitely and edge of sexism in the comment! And I agree with Celeste about compliments.Count yourself lucky as having never been on the receiving end of overt sexism. I’ve been inapproprately hit on by a male superior in almost every job I’ve ever had — and not due to my superior attractiveness, inappropriate work dress, or flirtiness. I think it has something to do with my double Ds.
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I don’t think you’re overthinking too much, Erin. There is something slightly creepy about that.Believe me, Henriette, I look feminine in jeans or trousers too. Depending on your definition of feminine, I guess – there’s no doubting I’m female.I think some of the “creepy” factor comes from an implication that one *should* be doing something (wearing skirts or heels, running or not running for office, etc) because one is a woman, rather than because one wishes to. I wear skirts when I want to. I wear trousers when I want to. I think there are styles of both that are flattering to me, and I object to the idea that I might be wearing something to please someone I don’t even know.Perhaps it’s a feeling that something I do for myself is somehow being hijacked for the pleasure of someone else. What I wear is *my* prerogative, dammit! How dare someone suggest that I do this because I’m a girl!(Also, some men look fine in a kilt – skirts are not just for girls!)Oh, and Laaw-yuhr; I’ve been hit on by the immigration officer processing my passport. Inappropriate? no kidding.
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I LOVE it when men come up to me and say “I love it when women wear hats!” Of course, both menfolk and womenfolk have worn hats for centuries, and often hats of remarkably similar style (although I wish the boys would GET OVER baseball caps, come on, buy a fedora, please! I will if you will!)”You look wonderful in that dress””You look wonderful in that hat””I love it when women wear hats”All appropriate phases. Repeat as needed. Make my day!
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At the risk of offending the 10 men who might be reading (hello!) I wonder if we’re giving men too much credit? Men don’t run around disguising preferences as compliments, unless they’re talking about the bedroom. (Honey, you were GREAT last night! = Please please keep doing that!) They see something they like and they blurt it out.I think, 9 times out of 10, a man saying he likes it when women wear dresses means he enjoys it when women wear dresses. No hidden agenda, no buried meaning.And even if it is a preference, I’m 99% positive his list of umbrella’d items included in the comment begins and ends with clothing. If you were to retort, “Oh, and I suppose I should be barefoot and pregnant at home baking bread all day for you?!!!” he’d say, “huh? Where’d that come from? I just said I like it when you wear dresses.”Gotta love men, eh?
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Hmm I’d never really thought of it like that. I’ve had the same thing a few times, and I’ve always taken it as a compliment with all the lack of tact that usually accompanies male speech!What I don’t like is when men hit on me and say “oh you’re 22, I thought you were 16/17” … that worries me … so your only interested if I’m 17 are you?!
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Hannah — I think it’s plenty possible to celebrate gender differences while still saying “hey! That, there? that’s kinda creepy and inappropriate.”I think a lot of it is thoughtlessness, true. But it’s not ok for anyone to be thoughtlessly inappropriate — and a lot of times, particularly vile kinds of people hide behind what gets called “typical male thoughtlessness” or “lack of tact”. Genuinely good guys will want to correct their inadvertent creepiness; genuinely bad ones don’t want anyone correcting men, ever, because then it’ll be obvious who the bad ones are….And I hear you on the “oh, I thought you were 17” thing. Ick!
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Yes, I think Celeste nailed it; well done! Perhaps it’s a sort of “prescriptive compliment” (akin to prescriptive suggestions, like “you should grow your hair long,” which I used to get a lot from men, who didn’t realize that walking around a city with long blond hair is like walking around a bullfighting ring with a red cape. My usual response was “if you want to play with long hair, grow your own!”) I have to say I love it when I see a woman happily wearing a dress for several reasons. One is that I know they probably FEEL great; they often have that kind of insouciant look about them that I think is partly due to not having a crotch seam (and being able to get dressed in seconds). Another is that I just don’t see women wearing dresses all that much, so it just makes life more interesting. I haven’t commented much lately – so busy – but I still read your blog every day and love love love it. I wonder whether you could give some advice about Jack Purcells: first, is it wrong for me to buy the brown pair (with the pink soles! how can I resist?) AND the green pair (green! ditto!)? And, do you have any tips for keeping canvas shoes from getting that canvas-sneaker funkiness? Can I stuff them with newspaper or something, like I do with my long boots? YOUR advice much appreciated – Oh, and here are some shoes I stumbled upon on Zappos I thought you might like – they also come in ORANGE:http://www.zappos.com/n/p/p/7208389/c/8418.htmlCheers!
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I just recently found your blog, so “hi there!”.I am one of those daft women that can’t seem to figure out if a man is hitting on me or just giving me a compliment. I would probably take that as a compliment and not as an inappropriate remark. However, that doesnt mean it wasnt inappropriate…its just how I would take it.And I have been hit on by my boss before, so I have felt the burden of inappropriate sexual actions from men. Ewww, ewww, ewww.I think men overall like women to look feminine, which is dressing in typical “girl clothes” (dresses, skirts, etc.). You can wear jeans and look female, but femininity is typically defined as the dress-wearing, soft-spoken wife of the 50’s.I’m not quite there yet. I can look feminine but once I open my mouth that ideal is greatly diminished. 😉
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I’m not a guy but I can translate for them: “I like women in dresses.” would translate into “You look pretty and approachable.” in Womensworld. Guys don’t think in the plural they are oaffishly self centered in ways that we can manipulate and use against them. They are also fearful of rejection so phrasing something in the abstract gives them an out if you realize that they are hitting on you and take offense. My response to something like that is along the lines of “Really?, I like guys in lingerie.” You must, however, be able to keep a straight face and not blush. I was in the Air Force, I had a LOT of practice.
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Im a woman, so no matter what I do or say or wear Im acting like a woman. That is, acting like me. That is, feminine. So if describing a woman as feminine is redundant to the point of ridiculous, sort of like saying I have determined that this particular marketed bottled water is wet, I think people really mean something else when they say that. I think they mean something like putting in so much effort into overdetermining her womanhood that she clearly thinks her genitalia are the most interesting thing about her. Though very people would actually think it in those terms, never mind say it out loud. I think that wearing dresses and wearing your hair long is probably a marker for something like decorative, and wont try to move in on my turf. To me, thats not a compliment. Its a sign that Im doing something very, very wrong. Im totally with Erin on this one.
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When I worked in an office with mostly men I only ever received compliments on my attire when I wore dresses. Only one time did a co-worker cross the line from “you look nice in that dress” to “you should wear dresses more” and I made sure to inform him where that line was.
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I don’t have any comments on the “to wear or not be offended when complimented on wearing a dress” issue, but I’m *so* glad you know Threadless t-shirts. The Threadless 10 buck sale is my guilty pleasure.
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I’ve long since accepted that many men are sexist and I still think there is a huge double standard. I think we women are strong enough to handle it and that things are much better than when I started working.However, I’m old enough that I’m thrilled for any compliments I get from males. At my age I assume the compliments are genuine and the guy is not hitting on me. I was happy for a month after two young men in the same week thought I was in my 30s; I’m 53. I too, love to wear hats and I find I usually get positive feedback, even in places like airports from total strangers. It’s amazing how many people, male and female, will go out of their way to tell you they like a hat…and really a hat is something both sexes wear, but the styles are defintely sex-stereotyped. Since I live in a cold climate, and my ears freeze, I rarely go out without a hat, usually a beret or a wonderful wool jersey cloche I bought in France. I get the most compliments on my big fluffy fox hat. My excuse in the summer is that I am very pale, so I prefer to wear a hat rather than gunk up with sunscreen. I just don’t think most guys think about what they are saying that much…it’s a gut reaction. Perhaps it’s simply that wearing a dress or a hat is nowadays out of the ordinary and thus provokes comment.I think that if a man told me he likes women wearing dresses, I might respond, “I like men in kilts!” with a wink and a nod, of course, to gage the reaction. What’s not to like about a man in a kilt?
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“I wonder whether you could give some advice about Jack Purcells: first, is it wrong for me to buy the brown pair (with the pink soles! how can I resist?)”I hope it’s not wrong because I have these exact shoes! 🙂 They are wonderful and surprisingly go with nearly everything.
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I agree with Celeste. “I like it when women wear dresses” is not a compliment to a particular woman, but a generalizing statement of preference for how all women should dress. It lays down a law that is objectifying and denies individuality.You are not overthinking this.
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I’m going to weigh in on the other side and say that I like it when men wear suits (unless of course they are PDK leisure suits in robin’s egg blue), and I’m not afraid to tell them. Call me a sexist, I don’t mind.
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Personally, I don’t think ‘compliments’ are appropriate at all in the work place unless it’s, ‘hey Sally, great work on the Reynolds account.’ I could go on and on and take apart a lot of things said here but I’m going to sit on my feminist hands.
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I didn’t have a chance to read through all the comments, but I just wanted to share something with Erin. When I was in 5th grade my diocese decided to allow girls to be alter servers. I promptly became one simply because I had not been allowed to the year before and felt it was my duty to fulfill the dreams of all the girls who had been denied before then. So I did it for you, Erin!
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Hmmm….it’s not so much that I like it when men wear suits as that I’ve never seen a man who didn’t look better in a suit, to the extent I’ve seen suits utterly transform a crew of 18 year old nerds. But I’m pretty sure that’s more about tailoring and looking put-together than it is the look tapping into my need for a true patriarch.Whereas yeah, I’m with Erin that liking dresses and long hair often comes out of a subconscious preference for stereotypical femininity. Not something worth stressing over every day, but a great point for her to bring up on a dress blog for blog-against-sexism day.High heels, though…I suspect women project more confidence when wearing heels, so I’ll partially absolve men on that one.
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Back to the kilts…still thinking about men in kilts. Oh yeah, even if the guy is late senior citizen and 60 lbs over weight, I’m zeroing in on him to tell him how great he looks in kilts.And that I DO wish men would wear kilts more often. From the moment they begin to walk until they keel over and die. Kilts…I could go on and on….oh, and I wear them too.
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Maybe grwoing up in the 60’s and 70’s colors my view of things–but that was sexist sounding to me too. Though I will give the person the benefit of the doubt that it was not meant in the “really creepy back off I have a taser and I’m not afraid to use it way”. I really did run up against quite a bit of that in my younger days, from a dirty minded priest who tried to grope me to overt attutudes from male workers to dumbass assumptions about women from some of my male relatives, believe it or not! (My father would never let me use a power mower because girls didn’t do that kind of thing, I just never told him I was using the power tools in the garage.) Thank god for women’s lib and the right to feel I could say what I wanted to correct these ideas. Definately taught my children differently, especially since my girls are very well endowed and run into that kind of thing all the time, and my boys better not repeat something like that out loud around me!You just can’t go wrong with the old Church Lady stare back at someone like that, and then saying in a very clear and loud voice–“You know, I like it when men wear dresses too.”
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I dont want to generalize against men. And I think, like Erin, Ive also been very lucky. In my case, several men Ive been close to for most of my life would be quick to see on their own the problem Erin identifies with a man saying, I like it when women wear dresses. I couldnt imagine any of these dear men thinking that they had a right to prescribe what women, or anyone else, should wear or do or be, for that matter. I also think that these individuals would be upset to see themselves limited by somebody elses definition of what men are, just as they, as men, dont want to do that to women.Come to think of it, one of my longest-term male friends recently gave a performance at his CD launch, and showed up on-stage in a plain, dark blue knee-length skirt. It may have been a kilt; I cant remember now. He wore an old blue postal workers shirt on top. He, and the other male friends to whom I am referring, are primarily heterosexual, by the way.I agree with many of the comments here, and particularly love alison cummins remark about how describing (or rating) the femininity of a woman is as redundant and absurd as describing (or rating) the wetness of a body of water. Ive also thought along these lines, alison. By definition, anything a woman does is feminine! And a man, masculine which includes, for some men, being aware and respectful and wearing skirts at times!I look out into the world and see so much time spent on discussing what women should or should not do or be. And so little of the same applied to men. A problem that was well identified in the 1970s (if not also before that), still roaring along today.I love your post today, Erin. And I dont think youre overthinking this stuff at all. I think youre perceiving a symptom of sexism that is both subtle and real, and youve well illuminated it with your usual freshness and precision.
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I fully disagree with this point, in particular with celeste’s comment.I don’t believe it is necessarily sexist, although some sexist men might actually say that a lot. But I think one can say that without being sexist at all.Is saying “I like it when women wear dresses” more sexist than saying “I like it when men wear shirts”? or “I like it when men shave”? It isn’t. All it means is that the observer has a taste for women in dresses. That is not translatable into “Women should wear dresses.” All it really means is “I like the way women look in dresses.” In fact, it means “I like dresses.”The fact that there is no sexist implication in the claim can be seen in the following statement: “I like women who wear dresses, but I believe women should be free to wear whatever they like.” There is no normative implication regarding what women should wear.
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Actually, I do think many men might say “I like it when women wear dresses” when they actually mean to say “I like YOU in that dress.” I have noticed that many men find it extremely difficult to be personal and make a personal connection with others. I think it is plausible to think that if a man likes a woman in a dress and intends to give a compliment… he might actually avoid personal, direct language, he might not want to say “I like YOU in that dress,” and might generalize instead to “women” to hide his attraction to one particular person. I can think of many men who would do that, because they can’t simply show their feelings and weaknesses openly.A man recently told me: “I like women who declare themselves” (after I had declared my attraction to him). Was this a sexist comment? I want to believe it wasn’t, but I’d like to hear what you think about that one.
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I’m not entirely sure that jumping in is the right thing to do, but being one of the ten men (Really? Double-digits?! Wow!) reading the blog I suppose I should offer some comment.I will admit to the occasional, “That dress is very becoming on you; gee, I wish more of the women wore dresses”, thought. Thought, mind you, not comment. It’s been drilled way too hard into my head that one cannot make comments to ones co-workers about their appearance or you’ll risk walking the Yellow Brick Road to HR. However, I think it’s worth looking a little closer at my thinking behind the comment.I work in the software development industry. The prevailing style is Grunge Geek. We largely measure your worth by your ability. In broad terms this is something of which to be proud. What is unfortunate is that this attribute carries a corollary; it does not matter how you look.I think that men suffer more from this state of affairs. We tend to grub down to the lowest denominator faster than a Congressman jumping on a campaign donation. It’s ratty T-shirts, basketball shorts and flip-flops for most of the summer.A woman in a dress in this environment sticks out like a swan amongst pigeons, and the pigeons aren’t sure what to make of it. It is largely counter-productive for her to do so as there is a culture of “dressing down” that grates at the difference. I know, because I spend my days bucking the trend. No jeans for me, nor shorts. Slacks are quite comfortable, thanks. No, I don’t really want a T-shirt, the sport shirts are fine. A little bit of effort, to create a nice environment, despite the culture.So, at least when I’m thinking the thought, it’s the expression of a wish for a little more class in the world, that’s all.
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Regarding kilts — National Tartan Day is coming up, encourage the men you know to honor the contributions of Scottish-American compatriots and wear a kilt on April 6th.I’ve got to make me one, although there’s no way I’d make it in tome for this year. (And next year April 6th is on a Sunday, blast!) I’d love to see the reaction at work …
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That’s a little deep/heavy/dark for a sewing blog.
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Hi–I love this blog. Thanks, Erin!I’m saving the lingerie and “I love it when men wear dresses” for the proper occassion. If the posters don’t mind.I love dresse, too, but hate pantyhose so don’t wear them often. I get the creepy “I love women in dresses” comment every so often and it seems to also carry the connotation “I’m relieved someone hasn’t rejected their appropriate social role.” Kinda of a “you’re a good little girl and daddy’s happy” approval thing. Which is yucky but doesn’t change my love for the dress.
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Most men aren’t going to say to a female co-worker or social friend, “Wow! Your dress is really pretty/becoming” as men so often hear women say to each other. Why? Because that would be too flirtatious, unless framed in the context of “Your dress is great. Where did you get it? I’d like to buy one for my wife.”Therefore, the guy makes some generic non-personal ‘nice’ comment “I like it when women wear dresses.” Men are not walking around thinking about how to perpetuate the patriarchial oppression of women via off-hand comments about dresses. We’re a bit clumsy, but most of our hearts are in the right place.Sincerely,Typical Guy
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So what do you say when a guy says that? 🙂
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I think a lot of it is thoughtlessness, true. But it’s not ok for anyone to be thoughtlessly inappropriate — and a lot of times, particularly vile kinds of people hide behind what gets called “typical male thoughtlessness” or “lack of tact”.That very thoughtless is a function of privilege. Someone who says “I like it when women wear dresses” hasn’t addressed the assumption that he is entitled to appropriately packaged eye candy.This is completely different from soneone who realizes the woman next to him in the record store checkout line is wearing a Darth Vader/houndstooth Duro and is moved to say, “Whoa. Cool.” The first is a whine, the second is a compliment.And as Erin once pointed out, if I may paraphrase, being decorative is not the tax one pays for being female.
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Wow! Interesting how much debate this caused. I am checking back in because I had a thought that tracks along Charles’ somewhat. I was looking for shirting fabric the other day, idly dreaming about making a breezy shirtwaist dress for when the weather warms up enough for breezy, and here were the colors available:whiteblueblue with white stripeswhite with blue stripeswhite, blue and green plaid (subtle)blue, green, and brown plaid (darker)…that’s about it. BORING! Assuming that shirting fabrics are mostly designed for use in men’s shirts (and women’s “business” shirts), and knowing what a drab place men’s departments usually are (did I mention khaki?), it’s no wonder men (and women) like to SEE women in dresses. Swans, indeed! I often think of birds and tropical fish, too, when I see dresses. SAYING they like seeing women in dresses is a bit of a different thing. A heteronormative man could possibly say, “oh, I really like dresses, they’re so pretty and I don’t really feel like I have the option to wear pretty stuff.” And that’s not prescriptively sexist, it’s just a little bit sad (you could encourage him to wear pink now and then). And it would be sort of awkward to boot. And context matters, as most folks seem to realize; the IT department is not the place to comment on your coworker’s outfit.Speaking of context, I have to say I worry a little bit about you women who think saying “I like it when men wear _________” (suits in particular; suits only AMPLIFY a man’s power) is anything like saying “I like it when women wear dresses/heels/long hair/shave their legs” etc. etc. There is a historical context of oppression here, remember? Even if some of us have been (mostly) not directly affected by it. Gender normativity still runs deep and can really affect people’s lives (or even get them killed); read “The Last Time I Wore A Dress” for an example. Or think about the men who might read this blog and like wearing dresses themselves…it’s sure the heck different than wearing a suit.
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WHat an interesting topic. The way the dress thing has always been explained to me is that it isn’t a thing that men like because they feel it is the way women are supposed to dress, it is purely a sexual thing. Like they just find dresses more sexually attractive. One man I know explained that there were several factors to this. Part of it was the accessability, so the idea that in the man’s subconcious mind sex could take place more easily, and another aspect was the way it makes women’s rear ends look. So I guess it never bothers me to hear that because I don’t take it to mean that they feel women should wear dresses because it keeps them in their societal place, it just means they consider it ‘sexy’ just like a woman might think it is sexy for a man to wear a tuxedo.
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I was an altar server – my (Catholic) church was very progressive for it’s time (this was the mid 70’s). My 2 sisters and my brother were all altar servers. We were the first female altar servers at our church.
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I’m still trying to figure out what ‘Plan59’ is all about. I went to the website and left even more confused!
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I just think we should choose our (feministic) battles more wisely – a compliment like this is just a small thing in my book – I think there are more serious issues when it comes to sexual harassment etc. Come on – men are pretty simple, maybe a compliment like this is really just a nice compliment?
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My previous comment reminded me of another childhood dream of mine and an example of sexism where it might have very likely occurred. I was 7 (about). I really wanted to be a rubbish man – one of the people who ride on the back of the big rubbish trucks and throw the rubbish bags in. I have no idea why I liked this idea, but it probably had to do with riding on the trucks. Rubbish men tend to be young guys with big muscles in shorts and t-shirts and sturdy shoes and gloves, who can lift several large full rubbish sacks with each arms and chuck them up into the truck. I went up to one of the guys and told him ‘when I grow up, I want to be a rubbish man’, and he said something along the lines of “Good on ya”, rather than something more like “you can’t sweetie, you’re a little girl”. I think that’s a prime example of how people should be treated. 🙂 🙂 I was such a weird child 😉
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Actually, I think my previous comment has vanished. It started with saying that I think that some men making the comment in question are saying they “like women to conform to my expectations and ‘act like a woman'” whereas others are actually saying “I like women, I think women look good in dresses, I’d rather look at things I like to look at, so I think more women should wear dresses”, which is fairly reasonable and understandable. It depends on the guy, so look at alternative conversational clues for the real meaning.Then I said:The only sexism I have encountered that I noticed that I have remembered is when I was 9, some of us got to be on road patrol (where you stand by the road with a giant sign and let the kids cross and stick the sign out to make it more obvious for the cars) which I had always wanted to do ever since I saw it. Unfortunately one person had to stay up the hill (where they had a good view of the road) with the teacher and blow the whistle to let them know it was clear for crossing. The teacher actually said I had to stay up there with her so I would be safe because I was girl. And this was a female teacher, so not only men are sexist towards women. I was very upset (I missed out on my dream…) and also very angry that she was treating me differently because I was a girl. Somehow I knew about sexism at that age?
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As a rule, Erin, whenever anyone says anything to me that could be remotely considered a compliment, I graciously smile and say “Thank You!” I assume the other person is sincere, and don’t ruin the moment by reacting in a negative way. Wearing a dress these days is somewhat unusual and attention getting. If we truly didn’t want anyone to comment on our dresses, we would shlub around in old sweatpants and flipflops. I suppose I didn’t always feel this way. I used to be very sensitive to any comment, positive or negative, about my attire. I grew out of that, when I realized that most people who make any kind of comment are trying to be nice.
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I like it when women wear dresses, because dresses are usually more flattering on them. I have recently been very aware of people’s asses lately. And that’s not really a good thing, I think that pants have a tendency to give a little too much information, if you know what I mean. I think of some of the men I know who might say such a thing and they aren’t creepy at all. Isn’t just possible that women (on average)look better in dresses. I don’t mean nondescript sacks or godawful jumpers but real dresses. And is it sexist to say one appreciates the differences between men and women, and that certain clothes help to accentuate those differences? To say, “I like it when women wear dresses,” isn’t equal to “I like only women who wear dresses.”But Erin, I do know what you mean, and if a stranger came up to me and said that, I’d probably think he’s a jerk. How about this, “I like it when men wear crisp white shirts.”
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Coming in late on the conversation… everyone has good arguments but I have to admit that the statement bothers me a bit too, along with “I love it when women wear their hair long.” I also get enraged when clients and contractors refer to myself and my co-worker as “ladies.” It just makes my skin crawl. I only want to be called “ladies” if we are out costuming as “Emily and Florence” from Little Britain.As for men in kilts, I love it. However, it is not so much the look as the statement that “I don’t care if other men might be freaked out by this.” I just returned from a fan-type convention and I always see men of all body types in kilts. They all look like they are having fun, and that is why it’s charming to me.
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Wow! So many comments. You guys are, as usual, awesome.Just a couple things:1) If a guy does say to me “I like it when women wear dresses” I do treat it as a compliment. I just wonder a bit about, well, all the things I posted about. My philosophy is that you should always, always, assume people mean well. Saves a lot of trouble. 2) I also really appreciate a man in a kilt. 🙂
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Coming out of lurkerdom to chip into the debate and say how much I like this blog – I love dresses, though don’t have a clue about sewing, alas!whereas others are actually saying “I like women, I think women look good in dresses, I’d rather look at things I like to look at, so I think more women should wear dresses”, which is fairly reasonable and understandable. It depends on the guy, so look at alternative conversational clues for the real meaning.Yes, that’s how I’d hear it. I think the same about men in suits – IMHO, lots of chaps suit suits, lots of chaps sadly wear things that don’t suit them as well as a nice suit would. Kilts likewise. (And being Scottish, I get to see more of the latter. Indeed, I remember the first time I was at a black tie dinner in England; for a while I wasn’t sure what was slightly weird, until I realised it was the blokes in … trousers!) For most of us the only problem is probably the slight selfishness of wishing to see our aesthetic taste catered for in the wider world!Thanks again to Erin for another great post!
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I have to say that a compliment is a compliment, and I am pleased to respond to it as such from a man or a woman. Unless this guy was being creepy, I’m sure he was just trying to be nice.Of course I am the type who still loves to have her door opened by a gracious male and thanks him for it. If its a young boy I might even say “What a gentleman!” I am only in my 40’s, but I miss gentility, don’t you? My sons were raised to respect women – it wouldn’t occur them to be sexist or to treat women in any way as inferior. However, I also taught them to treat a woman like a lady , including opening their door, and other social niceties. Back to the compliments part, I also say things like “Great Tie ! ” when I see a guy in a particularly sharp tie. To a one, they just beam ! You gotta know it makes their day as much as ours to receive a compliment.
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I like it when men wear beards.I could even make an argument why they should, if they want to be in the business of attracting women or just plain manliness. Those who prefer clean-jawed men could no doubt do the same.What I would not want to do is to volunteer the sentiment at random, to a bearded acquaintance, ala:It’s when guys come up to me and say “I like it when women wear dresses.”Unless of course, the gent in question had been going on at length, and most entertainingly for years about the absolute wonderfullness of beards. In which case, I might, after identifying a shared interest in his beard-related goings-on observe: I like it when men wear beards.And I’d be a bit surprised if he then gave me the hairy-eyeball and up-braided me for my subtext-O-sexism.Because dude–? Beards rule.
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I think men tend to be pretty straight foward when they speak, so don’t look into the comment too deeply. My guess is that he meant that he thought it looked nice and he wishes other women would wear them too. A lot of women I know don’t take the time to dress nicely, and a dress usually looks put together. How many women do you know that wear only jeans and a tshirt all the time? The thing that I don’t like is that a lot of the time you can’t tell whether someone is a girl or a boy since both wear the same clothes now. To me it’s refreshing to see women who embrace the differences between themselves and men. Dresses are inherently feminine, so why would you be offended that he appreciates you wearing something that emphasizes it?
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omg. how’d i get here!? lolfor god’s sake, lighten up already.my mother, a very accomplished woman (she’s an attorney) has great legs , a beautiful figure and is nobody’s fool. she separates the wheat from the chaff in about five seconds.she taught me to celebrated the differences between the boys and the girls.she would tell me;”enjoy the attention when you’re young because as you get older the compliments are dished more out of politeness than attraction.”she also imparted one sterling piece of advice about men….don’t take them seriously unless they’re stalkers or potential partners.” if a man tells me he likes to see a woman in a dress, i take that as positive attention. gee, i like that!!.. and i don’t find it offensive at all.let me ask you…if we knew each other and i was wearing a dress when a man walked by and said, “i like to see a woman in a dress”, would you be offended at he and i, or just him?to quote my mother one more time…”use the guile and wile god gave you dear”.
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