Yet another variation on the midriff band, this one on eBay from Macajero for the unbelievably low price of $5.00. Considering I finally figured out what my first attack at the Hot Patterns Hippy Chick Dress would consist of (I woke up from a deep sleep last night with the idea — the leftover Liberty dot-swirl-star print twill matched with a deep red heavy cotton/lycra, and let's just hope I have enough of each), you'd think I'd be leaving the midriff dresses alone. Ah, but you see — this one is SURPLICE! The lure of the surplice cannot be underestimated, despite the inevitability of having to sew invisible snaps in them so that they don't come un-surpliced.

The red floral with the white bands seems very eastern-inspired, and is much better than the beige with a beige-ier ribbon, although I also like the orange and brown combo. You could even Lilly-Pulitzer it up in pink and grass green.

And while I'm nattering on about patterns, has anyone seen one for a pencil skirt with a very wide, convex waistband? I'm talking the kind that is nearly empire. I though I had such an animal, but the pattern I was thinking of was just very high-waisted, not waistbanded. I'm assuming you have to bone those kinds of waistbands so that they don't roll, and that the overall silhouette demands to be worn with bolero jackets, but I'm willing to make those kind of sacrifices for the greater good.

I knew there was trouble when I saw the grocery store. I mean, look at me, I'm not a grocery-store kind of dress. I mean, maybe now you'd wear me to the grocery store, kids today and so on, but when I was new — no. But there I was, in the grocery store, with house slippers, no less, and her husband's windbreaker. No one said anything. We bought three cabbages, five bags of marshmallows, and beef bouillon cubes. The cashier rolled her eyes, but I didn't know why that was unusual–for all I knew that was a week's shopping. I was more of a cocktail-party dress. I knew weiners on sticks, and little cubes of cheese, and crudités.

After the grocery store, we went home, and lay on the sofa, watching television, until the man got home. There were a lot of nice dresses on the television. "Where are we going?" he asked. He didn't notice the house slippers, or the lack of makeup. He just saw me.

"Hell!" she shouted, and threw her drink at him. None got on me, not even a spot, and I was thankful, because bourbon stains.

He just stood there for a moment, dripping, and then walked into the other room. I heard him dialing the phone, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He didn't come back in the room, even though she was sobbing. She wasn't watching the television, although it was still on. Soon she stopped crying and then she was asleep. I don't like being slept in. It makes creases. When she had been asleep for a while, the man came back in with a nightgown, and took me off her. He was pretty gentle. I'd heard stories of men ripping dresses, but he didn't. He was upset that she wasn't wearing anything under me, not even a slip, but he just sighed and went off for a minute. He came back with a bra and panties, though they didn't match. I guess he hadn't noticed that hers always matched, or maybe he didn't think it was important. Then he put a coat around her and carried her out.

I didn't get hung up until the next day. It was odd to spend so much time off a body but not hung up. She always hung me up right away.

He hung me up, but put me way in the back of the closet, not near the other dresses I'd been by before. That felt strange. And then no one opened the closet for weeks and weeks. When the door opened again, she looked in and said "Oh! None of these will fit now, I've lost so much weight." She didn't seem happy or sad about it, either way. Her voice seemed kind of flat, not bubbly like it was before. Anyway, she never wore me again, and I was given away a few months later, to her sister who lived in Tucson.

Have I mentioned before how much I love the artist Cat Chow? This is her Zipper Dress, fashioned from ONE hundred-yard-long zipper. To get into (or out of) it, you have to unzip it down to the hips.

Click on the image to read a wonderful article about her, and see the Zipper Dress in red, as well as the dollar bill dress and the artist wearing a dress that I think is made from woven tape measures (and is gorgeous).

The closest I've ever gotten to making an art dress is making my friend Vanessa a Halloween costume out of bubble wrap. But I really enjoy looking at Cat Chow's work …

By the way, A Dress A Day is taking Christmas off, and possibly the day after Christmas (I refuse to call it Boxing Day, I am also not eating any "figgy pudding," so there) too, depending on whether or not I can get internet access. (I've TRIED updating my blog by concentrating really, really hard, honest I have, but so far, no success.) However, check back in on Tuesday for a new and exciting variation on the A Dress A Day format, if I can get around to it. Otherwise it will the usual exciting format.

Here's another Take Me Seriously dress, this time from Woodland Farms Antiques (this dress, I need hardly add, has never seen a farm, much less a woodland one, but I digress).

This dress has an entirely different narrative: this is the dress that the assistant wears. Wait. This is the dress that the assistant wears in the last scene of the movie, the one after she's taken over the whole office while the overbearing, martinet boss (older, male, chauvinist) has been (ill/stuck overseas/unlawfully imprisoned). He comes back to find the office running better than it ever had, the big client landed, the big deadline met, the president overjoyed … and himself now the assistant. "Are you ready to take some dictation, Mr. Elway?" the erstwhile assistant asks sweetly, wearing this dress and handing him a steno pad.

I have watched entirely too many screwball comedies, haven't I? But can't you see Myrna Loy in this dress? Who plays the poor blowhard Mr. Elway?

It's 34/26/35, and $125. It's also item #20 in the 1950s category, which is important as the site is frame-laden and you can't link directly to a product page (… have they never HEARD of bloggers?) Anyway. There's a lot (a lot a lot) of other wonderful stuff, too, but there's no search function, which is okay because they can't really spell ["umpire" waists abound] and they don't list sizes in a consistent format, so if even if you did search you wouldn't be able to find anything, anyway.

Thanks to Madelene for the link!

I hope you can get a good enough idea of the gorgeousness of this dress from this slightly washed-out photo. This is the perfect dress to wear with an insouciant air of extreme competence, while still projecting that essential "I could crush you like a bug" vibe. This dress needs serious glasses, high round-toed heels, a pencil behind one ear, and a healthy dollop of Fracas or Chanel No. 5. Sexy secretary is not in it — this is sexy BOSS.

It's 34/25/35, and $68 (including shipping!) from Penny Lane Vintage, and it's magnificent. I would buy it myself (I'm a sucker for pintucks), and if it's still around in January I just might. I have two very similar dresses, not tucked, but with that high round neck and long lines, both black. I wear them when I need to be taken VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED.

Click around in the Penny Lane listings, there's some nice (and nicely priced) stuff to be had. It's not too late to make amendments to your Santa list. I hear he has an email address now …

Ten points for the first person who can tell me, without Googling, the source of the subject line and why it relates to this dress. I am inexplicably drawn to this acetate dress from Lost Horizon Vintage; it's calling to me, and not politely, either. This is a "Hey, you! Yes, I'm talking to YOU!" dress. If I had a spare $375 it would be mine; if you do (and can fit into 36/26/35) it could be yours.

Be sure to click through to Lost Horizon site, not only so you can see how the zipper goes around the back and over the curve of the lower back, but also to check out her other dresses. There are some amazing things there …

I can't tell if it has pockets or not but I just don't care, it's cheering me up and that's good enough!

Don't get me wrong–The Lagerfeld Must Still Be Stopped, but there's one point of redemption on this dress. Can you guess what it is?

Yes! The midriff band! (Okay, and possibly the round collar). Take away the godawful puffed sleeves and what can only be described as a shoulder peplum; remove (with a plastic fast-food knife if there's nothing else to hand) the apron detail and the ruffles on the skirt, and concentrate seeing a dress with that ruched midriff band and deep front slash. You could even leave it in that fabric, it's not at all bad, although I don't know if I would pair it with those sandals (and I even have a pair much like those!).

In my fantasy/theory, some design assistant at Fendi put together the dress I describe above, with simple cap sleeves, maybe, and the Lagerfeld swooped in, clanking (as he does, with all that extraneous metal, god forbid you're ever behind him in an airport security line) and says "Not enough random fug! My god, have I taught you all NOTHING!" and then he proceeds to add crap until the good dress underneath is completely obscured.

Of course, this is all pure speculation mixed with not enough sleep (and truly terrible dreams) on my part. Perhaps there was even more fug on this dress (although where you could put it, I have no idea) and the Lagerfeld, he used his weird sharp rings to pare it away. But I doubt it.

I know I don't usually talk about shoes here, because so many other bloggers do it so well, and also because I believe someone's shoes are like their children: you should only give praise and never criticism (that is, if you want them to remain your friend!). However, take a look at these! The top pair, are (as the Manolo would say) the shoes of the surpassing comeliness, from the Prada. The bottom pair are the very faithful … homages, shall we say, from Via Spiga. Guess which pair I bought yesterday?

I've been obsessed with the Prada ones since last Spring, when I saw them in the March Vogue (the shoot with Andre 3000 and Liya Kebede) and everyplace else, and I came very, very close to buying a pair until I discovered I am constitutionally unable to spend nearly $400 on a pair of shoes. (I broke out in hives contemplating it.) I am, however, perfectly well able to spend $80 on a pair of shoes, especially when they are on sale at Bloomingdales and are the only pair left in my size …

What does this have to do with dresses, you say? Merely that a little black loafer, with a low vamp and a low heel, is simply the perfect shoe for the day dress. Dressy enough to wear to work, yet nicely informal with bare legs in the spring and summer, comfortable enough to walk long blocks, feminine (it's the low vamp) but not frilly or girly … I've been wearing variations of this shoe for more than twenty years, which I figure makes it a personal classic. There is nothing more universally appropriate before 6 PM than a cotton dress worn with loafers like these and a little cardigan. If I have anything even approaching a uniform it would be this combination.

I've already put together an eBay search for this style name in my size; I'll probably try to buy another pair before spring. When you find a perfect pair of shoes and for one reason or another, can't buy another pair right then, hie yourself to eBay and set up a recurring search for them. Everything shows up on eBay eventually, and with any luck you'll be able to grab another pair, and cheaper, even after they've left the stores.

I got this as a present last night (OMG best.present.ever.) and am already entranced by the absolute sadism of Sylvia. Check this out:

from The "In-Between" Figure
"In-Betweens" have worse problems than the fat or skinny ones, who know their figures are wrong. They don't need anybody to tell them so. But you "in-betweens" often get the idea you're all right. And you aren't. Just take a good look at yourself. No, you aren't fat. And you aren't thin. But look at that chest. It's too flat. your ankles are too thick. Your abdomen sticks out. I haven't space to tell you your other defects. But I bet they are there–and plenty!

from Keep That Perfect Figure!
… you fat babies must always watch your diet. And watch those scales daily just as a scare. Now that your proportions are right, your scales will warn you the minute they begin to go up. That minute, back on the reducing diet for you.

on liquids:
Fatty people must not drink too much water. Two glasses a day are plenty with the liquids I've given you. Too much water enlarges the stomach. …

on foundation garments
I don't believe in trying to hide bulges and bumps of fat by tight corsets. As a matter of fact, they are never hidden, just shifted from one place to another, in most cases making you look worse. The only sensible thing is to get rid of those bumps. Don't misunderstand me. I don't mean that you should go waddling into a room without any corset. I'd call that stupidity.

on swimming
Remember, too, that swimming builds you up. It's wonderful for you thin ones. But it won't reduce you fat ones. For you, sun baths in moderation and cold plunges in fresh or salt water are splendid.

on posture
If you think I am too hard on you or exaggerate, just go to a museum and take a look at the early Egyptian figures. Notice their sitting posture. You will see there wasn't a slumping abdomen in a tombful, and that many thousands of years before Christ, the Egyptians used Sylvia's methods.

on relations between the sexes
I am aiming to please the husbands, too. I don't want them to have to sit across a table from a woman with a mean disposition and hungry, wolf-like expression in her eye. It pays the nationally advertised beauties to take care of themselves because their living depends on their looks. And more and more, every woman's living depends on her appearance. We all have to earn our living one way or another. And men are getting more particular and critical about women every day.

Oh, I could quote Sylvia all day! But I'll stop now. More later.

I seem to be drawn to that bruise color combination lately; maybe it's an outward extension of my inward clumsiness (I still have a bruise on my hip from falling down a flight of stairs MONTHS ago). Anyway, I went to Style.com to go find a picture of this OTHER Donna Karan dress, that I saw in Harper's Bazaar, but then was distracted completely by this blue and black number.

I really, really love square necklines — have I mentioned this before? I mean, more than five or six times? And you can't tell from the picture, but the sash goes THROUGH the side seam to tie UNDER the fabric of the dress in back, so that the whole back tents out and streams behind you. So lovely, although I'm sure in practice you would always be closing it in the car door.

I also am a big fan of those square sleeves and a wide hem band, so all in all this dress is nicer than the one that originally caught my eye, because on that one I wasn't completely convinced that the nude fabric over the shoulders (that makes the dress look as if it started abruptly right above your cleavage) was a Great Idea.

Check out the whole Donna Karan slide show. She seems to have gotten over her crazy idea that women only want to dress in beige jersey knit, and the dresses for next spring are lovely! Abstract prints and nice lines. Sure, there's plenty of brown, but in a darker shade, not the walking Band-Aid it seemed she favored before …