So a couple weeks ago I went roller-skating, on the spur of the moment, in [location redacted]. I went straight from work, so (as is my wont) I was wearing a full skirt and a cardigan sweater.
I get my skates (rentals, and they carved up my ankles something tragic, I'm still sporting band-aids), lace 'em up, and am about to hit the floor, when this Creepy Guy intercepts me.
"I am so sorry for coming up to you like this," said Creepy Guy, and for a minute I thought he meant "on Rollerblades," because, as you all know, I am an old-school quad-skate SNOB, but no — he continued — "I just had to say how BRAVE you are. I've never seen anyone skate in a skirt!"
I was, of course, gobsmacked (as I always am when people are bogglesomely rude and/or clueless), but all I could think of to say was "What do you think people did before 1955?" and fix him with my best Withering Look before I skated away.
But the whole thing really cheesed me off. (Obviously, or I would have titled this post "Musings:" or "Prolegomena:")
First of all, skating in a skirt is not "brave". Rescuing children from burning buildings is brave; wearing a skirt is … wearing a skirt.
So Creepy Guy (who was also wearing one of those arm holders for his iPod, which ALSO pissed me off, because if you are skating at a rink you should do the DJ the courtesy of listening to what he's spinning, even if he IS making Slurpees at the snack bar at the same time) was calling me brave because — as far as I could tell — there was a chance I might FALL and THUS: someone might, possibly, theoretically SEE MY UNDERWEAR.
OH NOES!
C'mon, people, are we all six years old?
Let us first admit that all of us know that most people wear underwear. We know this because when people do NOT wear underwear, it is a cause for comment. There are slang terms ("Going commando," etc.) for not wearing underwear; I have not heard any for wearing underwear. Thus not wearing underwear is the marked case.
Let us next admit that most people wear underwear that is, at minimum, the same coverage as a relatively modest bathing suit. How do we know this? A quick investigation of any mass-market store (e.g. Target) shows that the ratio of "bikini," "hipster," or "brief" styles of women's underwear stocked is roughly double the amount of thong underwear stocked (by number, not volume, obviously). Retailers stock items in proportion to their sales.
Given this knowledge, and the knowledge that thong underwear's most typical use case is to avoid a visible panty line, added to the evidence of a FULL SKIRT (= no panty line) we can posit that most people wearing full skirts are most likely not wearing thong underwear. (They may not be wearing granny panties, but they are probably wearing something that could be categorized as "great-aunt panties.")
We also know that these things exist: boy shorts, bike shorts, "shapers" etc., etc. So there are many more types of underwear that do not allow for indecent exposure than there are those that DO.
NOT TO MENTION (as I mention it) that a SIGNIFICANT portion of the women skating in jeans were displaying a "whale tail," which is (as I'm sure you know) the phenomenon where a large portion of the back and sides of a pair of thong underwear is visible above the back waistband of a pair of pants (usually low-riding jeans). And more than a few of the male patrons had visible boxer-shorts waistbands displayed above the waistbands of their pants.
So the ratio of underwear (not counting visible bra straps) displayed by pants-wearing patrons to the underwear displayed by skirt-wearing patrons was something on the order of, oh, I dunno, INFINITE. (I would make a Riemann sphere joke here if I knew anything about the Riemann sphere.)
Given all this, then, could we please lay off the "OMG!!!! Someone might SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!" hand-wringing directed at us skirt- and dress-wearers? I know it's too much to ask the Creepy Guys of the world to cut it out (because if they were self-aware enough to know not to say stuff like this they would not, in fact, be creepy), but, seriously, people. We can wear skirts and dresses and participate in all sorts of normal activities, such as climbing up stepladders, crawling under desks to swap cables, riding bicycles, carrying boxes (up to 70 lbs), and, yes, even go roller-skating.
(I think this was a different rant than the one commenters on yesterday's post were expecting … sorry about that. I promise to rant about actual makes and models of underwear in some future post.)
A Dress A Day 
See… this is why I own underwear that has written across the seat “What? At least I’m wearing them!” and “Quit Staring, Your Face Will Freeze!”
LikeLike
No need to rant. He was hitting on you. Take the compliment, smile, and move on. You’ve still got it. đŸ™‚
LikeLike
Hitting on you yes. Creepy, yes. Immature, definitely yes.I once had a lady tell me I was brave. In the grocery store. Because I had taken four kids with me. She said that she had four kids, and never grocery shopped with more than two. Well, lady, when your cupboards are bare, you do what it takes.Weird, what some people consider brave, and I just consider life showing up.
LikeLike
I think it’s just people misusing language again. So many words have lost their true meaning. “Brave” is a good example. (How about “awesome,” “disinterested,” “anxious,” “incredible” …)
LikeLike
Not to mention how brave you are for blogging about underwear!One of the things I lusted for when I was ten was a skating skirt so I could glide into the snack bar at the roller rink and the cool satin lining of the skirt would flip up. I should have lusted for skating lessons for a graceful stop just short of the bar, rather than the graceless hands forward break-the- momentum (somewhat–it still caught me in the ribs)stop of a once in a while rink goer. Lordy we did miss you, but with the artist’s rendering and links to the conference and underwear rant all is forgiven.
LikeLike
I remember when we skated in skirts, roller-skated in skirts, rode bicycles in skirts — pants were not a thing girls wore, unless they were fishing of course.
LikeLike
Follow up to previous comment: Of course we wore “panties” – and they were of the “granny” variety (as my children tell me now). I should have said “slacks” instead of pants.
LikeLike
How did we come to believe skirts are a hindrance to all normal human activity? I actually prefer to hike in an ankle-length Edwardian walking skirt. It offers protection from brambles, extra warmth, convenient shelter in case I’m caught short miles from a bathroom and a romance and elegance no quick-dry pants can confer. More athletic activities in skirts please!
LikeLike
During the dark ages wehn the first allowed womenin the Army (although segregated fromt he men) they did everything in skirts. The did their physical training in skirts. If you can fight and win WWII in a skirt, you cna do anything in a skirt.
LikeLike
Different rant from what I was expecting… but also more interesting.
LikeLike
Senior year of HS I got sick of trying to find flattering pants and went for an all-skirt wardrobe. I was also head drama tech at my school and the only one certified to do most of the stuff including catwalk crawling. I painted 12′ high flats, hung lights, and climbed up ladders in a skirt. My only rule was that our own personal Creepy Guy was NOT allowed to climb the ladder behind me. No matter how modest I was he’d make a comment and his face was far too close to my foot for it to be safe for him.
LikeLike
Perhaps sticking to modest dresses and fabric is best – creepy guys don;t need any more publicity than their photos on the post office wall.
LikeLike
Hehe, this reminds me of my student days when friends would ask HOW ON EARTH I managed to wear short a-line skirts without the possibility of showing off my underwear. The phrase OH NOES was indeed invented for these situations. Is there some connection between skirt wearing and sarcasm btw? I think we are forced into it.Also, I want to go roller skating.
LikeLike
Very interesting rant. I’ve read your blog for a while but this is the first time to comment. I’ve wore a skirt or dress all my life (I’m 36)except maybe when I wore a pair of coveralls in the winter. Needless to say everything I’ve done has been in a skirt. I haven’t tried skiing yet but a friend did and a lot of people made comments about it being a dumb thing. Although she could ski better then most of the people on the hill.
LikeLike
Hilarious! I love your writing as much as I love your dresses.
LikeLike
I love it when you get analytical đŸ˜‰
LikeLike
Back when we were courting [husband and I are of a conservative religious group], he hadn’t seen much of my legs because I wore long skirts or rarely jeans, never shorts. One evening I had been cuddled up under a blanket on the couch and decided to stand up. As I flicked back the covers and swung my legs around, my skirt flipped up to reveal…my knees! I had on knee high socks and bloomers which precisely showed just my knee caps. Hubby had turned around exactly at that moment, exclaimed, “KNEES!” We still giggle about it. I learned he had a thing for knees. đŸ˜‰
LikeLike
Thanks for the rant! This reminds me of my indignation on finding, recently, that my cousin’s Tiger Cruise (on board her Navy brother’s ship for a week-long trip from Hawaii to port in Seattle) didn’t allow its visitors to wear skirts, for safety reasons. That baffled me, as a generally safe skirt-wearer, but also because the Navy dress uniforms for women are… skirts.
LikeLike
Context is everything, of course, but maybe he was just thinking that it might be extra cold if you fell and bare skin touched cold ice.Even so, he could have kept that thought to himself, now couldn’t he?
LikeLike
thanks for the great chuckle today… you “Brave skirt wearing rollerskater, you!” HAHA!!!
LikeLike
So funny that your post followed Angry Chicken’s post: http://angrychicken.typepad.com/angry_chicken/2008/10/i-see-london-i.html
LikeLike
Bravo!
LikeLike
To think in the “old” days they’d be more concerned about whether or not you were wearing a slip…..
LikeLike
On the little girl front, I’ll note that the majority of skirts available for purchase have (usually knit) shorts built in, underneath the skirt. My 4 year old daughter’s public school required that shorts be worn under all skirts and dresses, which may explain the retailers’ choices in this regard.
LikeLike
This is one of your best posts ever, Erin. I have total ::love:: for it.Also, Theresa’s comment: “If you can fight and win WWII in a skirt, you can do anything in a skirt” for the win.
LikeLike
Hilarious! *and I have to find out where to get undies like Jenna’s. . .
LikeLike
Ha! I am aware of this phenomenon, being a skirt-wearing skater, myself. The guy was attempting to hit on you. he probably wasn’t even fully aware of why.There is something inherently naughty about seeing the underwear of a (presumably) well-dressed woman. I think it is a thrilling little fantasy.Let’s face it: there isn’t anything intriguing about the whale tail. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination. But, the nice girl in the skirt? that’s a different deal. What color underwear is she wearing? What if she is wearing stockings and a garter belt? There is the potential for a voyeuristic thrill that jeans just don’t offer.
LikeLike
‘Great aunt panties’ should be the catch phrase of 2009.
LikeLike
That’s hilarious! I’ve went skating in a skirt last year. It was floor length and very full. A friend of mine also wore a floor length denim. (I am 16 and she was 18) It’s actually more fun to skate in a skirt, because the skirt kind of flies out behind you very gracefully. I did fall down (because of some ridiculous 18 year old boys skating in the wrong direction!), but it didn’t matter since I had a long full skirt on. Yep, people should try skating in a skirt more often! With modest underwear, of course! đŸ™‚
LikeLike
Last week, a member of our church who is an artist spent many hours on scaffolding painting decorative flourishes on an arch that’s high up above the altar. She wore an ankle-length skirt for this job.
LikeLike
Dangerously funny post while drinking coffee. Kudos, Skirt Wearer.
LikeLike
Bravo! Encore! Several years ago I switched from pants to dresses because I take care of my handicapped daughter which makes for a lot of bending over and I did not like the idea of what I looked like from behind. With my daughter, I do a lot of lifting and carrying and sometimes crawling around on the floor. I also garden. All in a skirt. I wear a long almost ankle length skirt and intend to for the rest of my life. No matter what the style is. I’ve stocked up on patterns so I never have to change.
LikeLike
Especially interesting as there was a time when skating in trousers (for a woman) would have been seen as daring. Queen Maud of Norway, grand-daughter of Queen Victoria herself, was carrying out her winter sports in a frock in the 1920s despite being well into her fifties. How brave! I also love this winter sports coat of hers.And since WHEN did France rhyme with pants?!
LikeLike
I also rollerskate in a skirt as it’s the most fun and liberating way to do though I’m also usually wearing silk stockings or tights and I rarely fall (and when I do my legs manage to stay below my head).Here’s song for thought…and probably my most favorite:I rode my bicycle past your window last nightI roller skated to your door at daylightIt almost seems like you’re avoiding meI’m okay alone, but you got something I needWell, I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new keyI think that we should get together and try them out you seeI been looking around awhileYou got something for meOh! I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new keyI ride my bike, I roller skate, don’t drive no carDon’t go too fast, but I go pretty farFor somebody who don’t driveI been all around the worldSome people say, I done all right for a girlWell, I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new keyI think that we should get together and try them out you seeI been looking around awhileYou got something for meOh! I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new keyI asked your mother if you were at homeShe said, yes .. but you weren’t aloneOh, sometimes I think that you’re avoiding meI’m okay alone, but you’ve got something I needWell, I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new keyI think that we should get together and try them out to seeLa la la la la la la la, la la la la la laOh! I got a brand new pair of roller skatesYou got a brand new key
LikeLike
Sounds like someone needs to see women’s rollerderby! they all skate in skirts!But, as a former roller girl, I have to say you are brave to skate in a skirt (assuming you weren’t wearing tights). You can get wicked rink rash on yer bum if you fall wrong! Rink rash is a burn from when your skin skitters on the floor. ouchbut aside from that… pppffft.
LikeLike
not by volume – hee hee!
LikeLike
Living in a windy city, I’ve adopted wearing boxer shorts under my skirts and dresses. They’e warm, comfy, and totally unexpected if a stiff breeze happens to come along–and why should guys get to be the only ones who get to wear them? đŸ™‚
LikeLike
Lisa, maybe the lady remarking on your “bravery” (for grocery shopping with 4 kids) merely meant it as a pleasantry. She’d probably be dismayed to find her comment maligned here. It CAN be a challenge to run errands with kids. There are so many truly unpleasant – and downright rude – people out there, seems a little silly to take offense at something so harmless.
LikeLike
YOU are fantabulous. Excuse me while I go make up a slang term for people who wear underwear …
LikeLike
I used to wear a skirt or dress all the time. I roller skated in skirts. I played baseball in skirts. I rode bikes in skirts. I did everything in a skirt. It more comfortable than pants were to me. I lay around the house in dresses. As far as being brave? Not really it just the way I dressed as I lived my life. I really do not know why I changed to wearing pants more and skirts and dresses once in a while. The creep guy was trying to get your phone number and said something stupid which he realized after he saw your expression!
LikeLike
How “brave” were all those claymore swinging, kilt wearing Scots?!?!? NOBODY saw their underwear (ahem)
LikeLike
OMG faryn, I remember when that song was a hit. In those days I had the key… but now I guess I have the roller skates.
LikeLike
“Panties are a secret we keep to ourselves” this is repeated to my almost 9 year old skirt and dress loving DD on a constant loop. I have fears of her growing up to be a pole dancer. but I have got to agree if I am walking around the house in a long T and panties I am more covered up than most people at the pool.
LikeLike
Veiled Glory and Wundermary have already touched on it.The thing is the forbiddenness of looking up a nice girl’s skirt. The low-rise jeans and whale tail leave nothing to the imagination — revealing the form completely and advertising what ought to be hidden. If you’re old-fashioned enough to wear a skirt, especially for physical activities, then there’s a good chance that you don’t show off your underwear (or what’s beneath), on a routine basis. So there’s the added element of exclusivity in seeing what few have seen before.As I tell my DD, underwear should never be put on display, but there should never be any suspicion that all the correct layers are not present.And the above is perfectly compatible with complete modesty and near-complete freedom of action in a correctly-chosen skirt. There are few things I can’t do in a reasonably full, mid-calf to ballerina-length skirt.I’ll even be shooting a “Dick Tracy” action-shooting match (snubnose revolvers only), this weekend in a 1940’s skirt as Tess Truheart (since I haven’t the figure for Moon Maid’s silver bodysuit).
LikeLike
Perhaps I am dull, but I can think of a non-underwear-related reason for the comment (which doesn’t make it ok or non-creepy). He may have had the idea that pants provide more protection from scrapes and skids in a fall.
LikeLike
Oh, frockstar, you are wonderful!Erin, you are wonderful too! Yay skirtie ladies! Oh, and skirty men too. I’m married to one, who infrequently gets threatened by thugs for wearing a skirt on the street, and who more frequently gets glared at by old ladies in the grocery store, but mostly gets approving comments for his “kilt.” Hm.
LikeLike
Oh, frockstar, you are wonderful!Erin, you are wonderful too! Yay skirtie ladies! Oh, and skirty men too. I’m married to one, who infrequently gets threatened by thugs for wearing a skirt on the street, and who more frequently gets glared at by old ladies in the grocery store, but mostly gets approving comments for his “kilt.” Hm.
LikeLike
I’m always amazed about the whole ‘don’t let your underwear show’ freak out……………most underwear shows A LOT LESS than some people’s bathing suits OR mall-wear! I wear short skirts and you can’t believe what I get done in them!! Thanks Erin!b
LikeLike
Do any of your sisters, friends, daughters or (gasp) mothers look like the “female” shown in the underwear pic? My rant would be on reality v. ads.
LikeLike
Underwearer – slang for one who wears underwear. Sal, how’s that?
LikeLike