Born-Again Vintage is another book I'm not really the audience for. I figured this out along about page 10, where the author refers to a "frumpy fifties housedress." (I clutched my pearls and said "Well, I never!" Then I shook out my skirts.)

If I wanted to eviscerate some perfectly good (or not-so-good: think qiana shirts from the 70s) vintage and clap together the pieces into new, wearable garments, that would be one thing (and occasionally a fun thing, too) but here's a list of things I do not consider wearable:

• jeans cut off at the knee with sweater sleeves sewn on them, "to create the look of a leg warmer while eliminating the struggle of "boot-horning" your cuffs"
• (while we're on the subject of leg warmers) leg warmers made from sweater sleeves, in general
• leg warmers AT ALL
• a corset made from a sweater
• short-shorts (made from anything)
• arm warmers

If these sound like garments that have pride of place in your closet (and you have a lot of sweaters to cut up) then maybe this book is for you. I'm afraid that I spent my time flipping through this book wanting the "before" garments a LOT more than the "afters". And when the author wrote (on page 65) "Cutting any fabulous vintage dress is a risk, but the end result here shows that it is worth the gamble," I'm afraid I said "No it's not!" out loud. (Sorry about that, guy in the coffee shop next to me.)

If you DO want to cut up perfectly good vintage dresses and sew them to t-shirts, this book offers more than enough information to get you started. (And if that's what makes you happy, fine. Go, have fun!)

[P.S. the pocket haiku from yesterday are FANTASTIC! I'll post the winners (and some runners-up) next Monday.]

I recently got a copy of Singer Perfect Plus: Sew a Mix-and-Match Wardrobe for Plus and Petite-Plus Sizes to review, and it's taken me a while to get to it, being neither perfect nor plus-size.

Perfect Plus is a very straightforward book, nothing fancy. You're not going to get any couture techniques here, or anything too fashion-forward or art-to-wear. This is primarily a book for petite, plus-size women who are not fashionistas, but are frustrated with the tatty stuff they see in stores (or with the price tags on the nicer plus-size garments) and who don't have a ton of sewing experience.

The book includes four patterns (a blouse with collar & sleeve variations, pants, an elastic-waist skirt, and a jacket with very nice pockets) and many, many pages of help on how to choose fabrics, construction tips, and fitting.

If you are newish to sewing, need a very basic petite plus-size wardrobe and want a lot of hand-holding, this book is ideal for you. These garments are so simple, though, that your fabric choices are going to be very important. Cheap polyesters or badly-designed prints will make these look like a dog's breakfast — upgrading to better-quality cottons and silks and good buttons (and taking your time with construction) will make all the difference here.

If you're already an experienced sewist or you want garments with more advanced design elements, I'd save your money — there's nothing here that you probably haven't already made on your own. You'd be better off getting a good book on fitting patterns (like Fit for Real People) and altering patterns that you really like.

I don't need to keep this book, so I'm giving it away … the person who writes me the best haiku about pockets will get it! You can email your verse or leave it in the comments. (If you leave it in the comments and you want the book, make sure there's a way for me to reach you.)

Beth sent me a link to the NYT article about a completely-recyclable Tyvek fabric being offered by Mio CultureLab. How is it completely recyclable? They even send you a prepaid return envelope with your order so that you can send back your scraps (or even your whole project, if you don't want it anymore)! That's pretty cool.

It's $13/yard, which is a bit pricey in my budget, but cheap for home dec fabric. And — Tyvek! I've always wanted to sew with Tyvek. (If you don't know what Tyvek feels like, think about those FedEx envelopes — the big ones. That's Tyvek. A little slippery, a little papery.)

If anyone from Mio wants to spot me four yards I promise to make a big dress and write about it. I like the orange dots. 🙂

Red Hat: Do you have the money?

Swim Cap: Of course — right here in my absurdly large, yet surprisingly stylish Bonnie-Cashin-looking beach bag. Did you come alone?

Red Hat: Yes. Well, except for my sister Peggy. She always insists on tagging along! So infuriating. I made her stay twenty paces behind me, though, so no one thinks we're together.

Swim Cap: So how do we do this?

Red Hat: Keep pretending I'm not standing way too close to you. Then drop the bag. I'll pick it up — you keep going.

Swim Cap: And the illegal sunscreen will be in my cabana?

Red Hat: Within the hour.

Swim Cap: It's a pleasure doing business with you. Say 'Hi!' to Peggy for me!

[Pattern is at Lanetz Living, click on the image to check it out!]

Michelle from Patterns from the Past reminded me that Pattern Review's Vintage Sewing Contest is starting up again!

First prize is a $100 gift certificate to Patterns from the Past; 2nd prize is a $50 gift certificate. If you were planning to work on a vintage sewing project between between April 1 – 31, you should consider entering it in the contest! (You must use a vintage sewing pattern printed between 1920 – 1976, not one of the new reproduction patterns. Here are the full rules.)

Michelle is also offering a 15% discount at Patterns from the Past during the contest. The discount coupon code is contest.

Good luck and happy sewing!

Oh, and a couple of not-a-joke sales, too:

Sandra at Sandritocat is running an April-Fool's-only sale — 25% off today only — and you can combine with her offer of free shipping with the purchase of three patterns.

Marge, at Born Too Late Vintage Patterns, is running a $5 sale! All patterns at her store are $5 (or less if marked less already). All you need to do is haggle the price to $5 and I'll accept it. She's running this sale from Friday April 3 to Friday April 10th.

I thought that I was destined for higher things. Really, looking back on it now, I don't know why I thought that, but I did. I'm not even sure what I meant by "higher things," even. A hat? That would have been higher.

I know I didn't expect to never fit. I mean, I never fit ANYBODY. I must have been passed on to ten women, maybe twelve … and nobody was happy. I was too baggy in the thighs on one; too loose in the waist on another; indistinguishable from a sausage casing on the third. Too short, too long, too liable to ride up in embarrassing ways: if I could be uncomfortable, I was. It's not that I meant to; I really didn't. It's just what I was.

The worst part, though, was what they called me. Did you know that there are people in this world who use the word "pants" to mean something is ludicrously terrible? "That film was utter pants." "Slacks" is also just plain awful. Why "slacks"? Why not "sharps"? "I think I'll put on a pair of slacks." You might as well say "I think I'll go shoot myself in the foot." Pantaloons? Loony. Knickers? What a horse does. Britches? "You betchure." Breeches? Once more into the breeches, my friends. Trousers? You've got to be kidding me. TROOOOOOW-zers. Just say it a few times, you'll see. I prefer "nether garment" myself, but, of course, nobody asked me. Hardly anyone even tried me on more than once, so we didn't get to the "what should I call you" stage.

I haven't given up hope, though. Somebody picked me up in a thrift store (I have sunk so low, I admit it) the other day. When she stopped laughing, she held me up to her friend. "I think I can do something with this," she said.

"What, violate non-proliferation agreements?" (Her friend was holding a chartreuse batwing sweater, so I don't know where she found room to talk.)

"No — what if I did that jeans-to-skirt thing?"

Her friend stopped, considering. "Well, that COULD be cute … and if not, there's always turning it into a tote bag. Your mom would love it."

So that's what I'm waiting for now. To be a tote bag. Or maybe (oh please!) a skirt. Being a skirt wouldn't be completely pants, would it?

I almost forgot to tell you that Lisa at Your Pattern Shop is having a big sale! Which ends TODAY, the 31st of March! I myself tend to shop sales their last day, because 1) I am disorganized and 2) I am disorganized. (I also have a large number of expired "FREE SHIPPING" coupons from Lands' End on hand at any one time. See #s 1 and 2 for an explanation.)

I kind of love this pattern here (which is ON SALE!!). Mostly for the yellow dress. I like to think that they are playing "Simon Says" and the woman in the yellow dress just realized that "Touch your cheek!" was NOT preceded by "Simon says …" (The woman in blue's hat gave her just that extra second of mental processing time, which is why her hand is only halfway up.)

Anyway: the DETAILS of the SALE: all items are marked down 10%, plus use the dressaday code for an additional 10% off and free shipping with the purchase of 3 or more patterns! That's pretty good. Simon says check it out!

Check out this fantastic silver and black brocade dress (currently up on eBay), which is being auctioned to benefit Writercon, the wonderful conference for fanfic writers and enthusiasts.

I'm only showing you the close-up picture because you *have* to click on the image and check it out for yourself. It's hand made from vintage fabric! It has a watermelon-colored lining and matching petticoat! It's princess-lined! It's also B39/W32, with a 19 inch skirt — putting the voom in va-va-voom! (And, when I wrote this, it was going for $24.99!)

Proceeds from this auction are going to benefit the scholarship fund for Writercon, which helps folks who couldn't otherwise afford to attend, attend. (I've never been to Writercon myself, but I've heard fantastic things about it — in my book, anything that encourages writing of any kind is totally a good cause.)

So, now that we've established that this dress is great, and Writercon is great, we have time to get to the important question: Would Xander Harris like this dress? Discuss.

It might come as a surprise to some of you that I *love* modernism in dress. Clean lines, abstraction, angles, a palette of neutral colors … basically everything you never see on this blog. You mostly don't see them on this blog because all of that? Looks like hell on me. Pure, unadulterated, where's-Virgil-when-I-need-him, ooh-look-there-are-the-blasphemers Hell. I could handle the looking-like-hell part (I often look like hell now) but I couldn't handle the part where I FELT like hell — this stuff just isn't me.

And it not-being-me used to really bother me — I know, really, that I'm much more of a cardigans (ones with the usual number of sleeves) and bright-colors kind of person, but I still drool a bit over stuff like the dress in the picture above.

But instead of mooning helplessly over these things, or, worse yet, trying to remake myself into someone who looks good in an asymmetrical cream-colored wool ANYTHING, I've invented my dear friend Elke.

Elke, I've decided, looks FANTASTIC in this stuff. Slash of brightly colored eyeshadow? So Elke. Vertiginously high shoes with geometric heels? Elke's signature! Camel-colored anything? All Elke's cup of tea (and she even drinks chamomile, which I can't abide).

Elke can rock both the pixie cut and the long straight hair; Elke can carry a beautiful, elegant squared-off leather tote without being forced to lean to the other side to counterbalance it; Elke has even figured out how to wear those swimsuits with metal trim without it getting too hot in the sun. (And she has a sense of humor, too.)

The reason I've invented Elke is that I find it helpful to imagine SOMEONE loving those clothes and really enjoying them, even if it's not me. The models wearing them always look as if they'd rather be subjected to electric shocks than wear an exquisite dress, and when they're pictured on starlets or socialites those women only seem to be thinking "I really hope this doesn't show up on the DON'T page of Glamour".

Not Elke. She revels in this stuff! She wears it to the grocery store! Her friends all know that what she really wants for Christmas is jewelry made out of a single slab of something that's never been used for jewelry before, or a hat that's indistinguishable from a science-fiction movie prop.

So now, when I see something like this dress in the "editorial" of the fashion magazines, I can think "Ooh, that would look *GREAT* on Elke," and flip on by to the pages where they show the clothes I might actually wear. (If, in fact, they have any of those pages in that issue, which, usually, they don't.)

I highly recommend you get to know Elke — she always has time for her friends.

Somebody needs to take this fabric (from Pins-n-Needles' Sewing Emporium):

Here it is at a different scale:

And make this dress (from MOMSPatterns.com) with it.

Volunteers?

Wouldn't it look adorable with a red patent belt and flats? I love narrow dresses in linen-look fabrics. They're so elegant and summery. And I (as you know) am SO TIRED of winter. And inelegance, come to think of it.

To make it easier for you to fulfill my request, Jen at MOMSPatterns is having a sale — you save 20% off your order from RIGHT NOW until midnight EST Sunday, March 29, 2009. There are new patterns in the SALE section and she's listed tons and tons during the month of March …